Blocking unwanted Numbers

I am seriously running out of patience. Late last semester, I received a friend request on good old fb. (lets call him boy - that is what he is.. it suits)

Had I known the headaches it would cost me to accept such request, I would've rejected it like I normally do.

I only accept request from people I know... with maybe the exception of two at the most. The reason I accepted boy was because the request showed that we had a mutual friend whom I happened to know personally through the Internship I participated in Chicago last summer. So I figured, if he is friends with her, then he should be okay. My mind steered more into the idea of networking because that is how I usually look at the people who I get to meet at such internships. Some of them have become "friends." Because I got along very well with said mutual friend, I didn't hesitate to add boy. I never looked at his profile, never really took a look at his pic etc.. until one day I get a text from him. At first i thought that he had gotten it from our mutual friend. EH! I was wrong. turns out he got it off of fb.

You're probably thinking, I asked for this because my number is listed for the world to see on the web right?! Well, just to be clear I can attest to knowing 99.0 % of the people I have listed as friends on Fb, and most if not all of them have my number. My profile is also set to private, so unless I add you can't see my personal info.

I texted back and forth that first night. I think I replied maybe twice and that was it.. I had work to do and I let him know that I was busy and he happily apologized and allowed me to get back to work uninterrupted.

The next day however, I kept getting his text messages all through out the day. I didn't reply to him til very late in the afternoon. (I usually don't reply unless i think youre kind of important... or if you are someone I appreciate :D - he was neither.)

Ok so the situation just kept on.. his text kept coming until I get a call from him. I had not saved his number because I didnt even know his last name (-i have a rule about saving phone numbers... i will only add you if i know first and last name.. sometimes last names will do.. but never first names only.. NEVER)
Ahem.. I also am not known to answer calls form numbers that are not saved on my phone... I did pick up this call because the area code was from a city I have several friends in, I figured it was one of them calling me with a new number, or trying to reach me for a conference I was supposed to be a part of. If had know it was him I wouldnt have answered the call. the dialogue went something like this:

Me: Hello?
boy: Teresa? (pronounced as if it were a white name?)
ME: Alfredo?
boy: No this is [insert boy name here], Ive been the one texting you...
ME: oh okay? (I was sooo confused!)

boy: can you talk?
ME: actually I can't (I realized who it was)
boy: whats a good time to call back?
Me: I dont have time right now, goodbye.
boy: wait, how old are you if you dont mind me asking?
ME: Excuse me?! (he repeats himself) umm 23?
boy: oh wow! you sound really young! (what the?!)
Me: goodbye!

I was extremely annoyed. I didnt know what to think.. what did his WOW mean when I revealed my age? JERK! So I got curious and checked his profile.. the kid, boy was born in 1991!!!!??!! which means hes only 17?! high school?! seriously?! I could seriously get in trouble with the law for just talking to him. I immediately removed him from my friends but the texts kept coming. they doubled in quantity and i was really annoyed. I sent him very polite text messages explaining to him how I had no time available to pursue anything.. not even a friendship with him or anyone else for that matter. He seemed to get it.. i thought I was done dealing with that, but NO!! he still sends texts and calls, occasionally requesting that I send him a pic or just a text filled with those sad smiling faces, and the hearts ones, or the blushing one or god knows what others he sends me.

I sent him another text message asking him to just leave me alone, and yet it keeps on going! What does he want from me. Do i really need to use foul language on him in order to get him to leave me alone?! I don't want to resort to that because that is not who I am, the worst part of all of this is that it all brings back horrid memories I lived though once. The upside of this is that boy lives in another state but still! gah! I tried getting the number blocked but that takes money-something I don't have!! GRR. I just wish he'd leave me alone..

Hey KId! (in case you haven't noticed.. you're still A KID.)I don't have time for your adolecent attitude or whatever other issues are causing you to bother me. PLEASE PLEASE leave me alone.

Not that hed be able to find this blog but in the case that he does.. those words are for him.

What a week!

I am in so much sleep debt, but what else is new? Debt is beginning to be something I have come too familiar with lately.

The main reason is school. I kinds don't feel like going into depth about my expenses and the shortage of revenue I am currently undergoing.

Let's see...

The week went by too quick.

Sunday, as soon as mass let out 9am, I headed for campus. I stayed all day, all night and went about Monday with no sleep. I was sort of behind on my work for classes. Why is that?! there are days when I am doing so well and I am on top of everything and then all of a sudden, WHAM! I feel like I am the last one trying to catch up.

(who am I kidding?! I know why! I am in denial I suppose.)

I also had a presentation to work on, so when my shift at the library ended at midnight, I headed for the "C" for a consecutive all nighter. WE had to finish it, we were presenting the following day at 6:40pm. I think I slept for like 3 hours until it was time to face the 3 classes I have on Tuesdays. SIGH.. 9:30pm seemed to be taking its sweet time to arrive.

Our presentation went well.. I was content, and I learned what works and what doesn't. I was a little bummed that the sound didn't end up working out but over all it went well.

Wednesday, I applied for a Census job. The test was lame, kinda bugged me that I missed four, and for a millisecond I had the urge to ask for my test just to see where I went wrong. I let it go immediately- reminding myself that it was ok. I have yet to receive a call but with my situation becoming worse each day, I'm gonna give it a week. If nothing happens with this, I need to see where else I can get a better paying job.

The stress of finding a new place to live seems almost pointless. I find myself feeling foolish because at this point I can't afford ANYTHING I come across. ahh! which is why I need a new JOB ASAP!

Thursday - Had my weekly meeting for MIE... worked til midnight.. and slept for more than 5 hours. (thank you Lord, and Nanci... for letting me crash in her dorm.)

Friday, spent the day reading. Oh and I also happened to assisnt the parental units in driving back their minivan from the Car lot. THey have new "used" wheels. I am happy for them. RElieved, the van is just not safe anymore. too old.

Saturday, I go to work only to be sent home after only being there 2 hours! 2!!!! Ah! this makes me angry. CLearly someone doesnt like me there.
I am beginning to think that the guy who constantly asks me out who happens to work there too has told them about how many times I have said no. (might I remind you that this is the same guy who stood me up the ONE time I did say yes to) whatever! see why i need a new job!? They didnt use to do this to me. But I shouldve known better, the atmosphere there is obvious, they all get along and they all tell all. They tried it on me.. but I guess it bugged them too that I wouldn't open up. Its my business and I choose what to share. MEH!

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Sundays are always good. Tomorrow I get to spend the day with the group I will be going on the Mission trip in May. This should be good.

Have a great week.. in case I don't get to log on in the upcoming week, good luck with everything that is goin on with each of you.

Because I needed a break from studying ....

Para ti, el Hombre de mis suenos...

Hay tanto que deseo compartir contigo. Por donde empezar? Primero te pido perdon, perdon por mis pecados.

Supongo que debo advertirte de la vida que se me a dado, eso que me hace ser quien soy, y las razones por las cuales me motivo a vivir la vida.

Naci en una familia humilde, donde supe valorar la union entre hermanos, apezar de la forma en la cual veen el mundo sea completamente opuesta a la mia. Ni uno de ellos supo tampoco comprender mis suenos, pero aun haci supe que la union entre hermanos siempre es importante y algo que consiste de mucho valor.

Mis padres no fueron felizes todo el tiempo y fui testigo del dano que causa la deshonestidad y la infidelidad. Pero aun haci la importancia de lo que significa la familia jamas sera algo que quisiera perder.

El matrinomio es algo sagrado para mi, madre deseo ser de nuestros propios o si tenemos que adoptar. Se que ser padres sera una gran bendicion para ti y para mi.

Yo veo embejeser juntos, un dia a la vez. Apollandonos uno al otro, convertiento tus esperanzas y suenos en los mios.

Eh cometido errores de los cuales jamas quiero hablar.

Pero espero que nos concentremos en el futuro y juntos vivir para servir a Dios.

Si pasas por aqui, y lees esto... quiero que sepas que me gustaria conocerte, y veer tu cara.

I know, I know.. what you are thinking ...the whole marriage thing again right?! lol. can you really blame a girl though? jaja. Like I said before... This doesn't mean that I am ready to jump the gun, but its just something I jotted down a few months ago... I figured it went well with the theme of some of my previous posts.

If you happen to bump into him before I do, let him know I've been waiting long enough but now he's going to be the one who's going to have to wait for me!

Just add it to the list...Make it the Cherry on top.

I used to think that when things were bad and then got worse, God was angry. Because I didn't know anybetter, I would get angry right back at him. I would cry my eyes out and ask him why he tormented me and I constantly asked him what it is that I had done wrong just to be sure I didn't do it again.

So with ZERO money to do or buy anything, (btw, i do mean zero - no lie..wanna see my bank statement? :-D) I have gotten used to living a simple and inexpensive life. The cup of Ramen noodles I carry DAILY has become part of my identity at work. lol. I don't mind, its a joke.. jokes keep daily life from getting too boring. I have probably drank the same amount of water that a kiddie pool contains since Late August.... maybe more... lol.

I sometimes shower and get dressed in the dark, I unplug everything when not in use.. cept for the alarm clock, just to save energy, anything to make it Less expensive because times are hard. I have never been one of those people who sit outside, anxiously waiting for mailman to deliver thier income tax return... This year... I might just be that person. Well I have yet filed, and I doubt that I'll have the time to sit and wait for it to come, but I hope its a good sum. (anything right now is good)

My computer was acting all weird saying it was infected and didn't allow me to do anything..I need money to get that fixed but I have made accomodations for the lack of one at home. A guy from school let me borrow and extra one he had in the meantime. It helps but I don't want anything to happen to it so I use it if and only it is absolutley necessary. Having a laptop thats not yours break down on you usually means you have to pay... which means money which means ZERO. I'm sorry I'm being redundant. I am sorry if this blog is "depressing" or just annoying because all i do is complain. But I don't think I am complaining. I am getting to the point I promise.

Everything that could go wrong for me has. I am grateful for the strength I have found in my faith (in part because I attend a catholic university, and also the wonderful ladies I know because of the parish I go to). I have just been notified that I need to look for another place to live. The house is being put up for sale and I will probably not find anything better than this anywhere... in fact I'm sure I won't.

I mentioned before that one of my brothers moved out of my parents, so my first thought was hey, I'll just move back with them. As quickly as that thought entered my head, so did the millions of reasons why it would never work, and the reminder of all the times I tried to make it work but didn't (maybe a post for someother time). So as Mr. Webb put it, it is "uncessary drama" in the middle of a hectic and crucial semester. Something I don't need or want, but this is how it must be. I will not repeat the tantrums thrown at God for doing this to me, I will not question why or what I did wrong. This is simply a test or how much I can endure and overcome. This is me putting every ounce of faith I have in Him and allowing him to steer the course of where ever and what ever it is I am supposed to be and do.

God's Sense of humor... or maybe not.

This might be a long one. You have been warned. lol.



First, I would like to start with a disclaimer. Although this post will contain milestones I wish to reach in my life, it in no way means that I am ready or willing to take those steps RIGHT NOW. We clear?? ok then... moving on.



So hmm.. where to start? so lately, I have realized that I'm old.. and I'm only gonna get older as time goes by... ok don't shoot me and although this may be something a blonde would say (no offense) it has just hit me.

I have done nothing right in the eyes of my parents, siblings and well friends. What I am referring to is for example... if it were up to my parents, I'd be married by now, with a couple of kids AT LEAST. In the eyes of my siblings, I am simply too conservative... I need to date more, I need to dress better (apparently I don't show enough skin.. what the??!! sooo not me!) in order to potentially get a boyfriend.

When it comes to my friends.. they seem to think that I need to get "out there." what is "out there" anyway? a! They also probably think I'm too picky... or simply stuck on someone.. They've never shared any of this.. but one can only conclude as such. So I pray about all this.. what ever you wanna call it. And then it hits me.. There's nothing wrong with going out... (problem is that I have no dinero to spend)... when I get invited out by a male friend, I tend to take it as just that... an invite to go out not as a date. I usually need to be told by my friends, or the guy asking me out, that it is a date. As soon as it is labeled, I usually don't end up going anywhere.

So I keep praying, asking God to just make it all easier... What does he do? He sends me a guy who constantly wants to "hang out." worse part is that we work together, the best part is that its only on Saturdays... He's a good guy.. not my type tho. Well he keeps at it, asking me out, texting randomly throughout the day, so I end up saying yes to a movie one Friday night. I do this not because I feel bad that I keep saying no, but because maybe everyone is right, and it couldn't hurt to just go out for a movie.

So I get off of work and head home to wait for him to come for me. The hour passes, and I'm thinking hes running late, no big deal. He sends me a text saying he got asked to stay late at work.. NO BIG DEAL right? I send him a text saying "its cool." Meaning its cool that you re gonna be late.

Well guess what?! He never showed up! NO BIG DEAL RIGHT?! I talked to an old friend and I tell her what happened, she tells me that my response ("its cool") probably led him to believe that what I meant was "its cool maybe some other time." I totally didn't buy this...

So I sat home and thought that something had happened to him. He sends me a text 4 hours later telling me hes sorry... that he got home and was so tired he fell asleep.

why didn't he just say that? I would have understood! How much effort does it take to send a text saying "I'm tired..how about some other time." I felt foolish. Horrible. I get told to not bother anymore with this guy, to tell him off because he stood me up. It wasn't a big deal but ha! i laughed later because here I am thinking God wants me to get out some more by sending me this guy and then this happens. lol.. funny eh?

Ok here's another thing, my weekly visit to my parents become more torturous with each visit.... Grand kids all over the place, my brother with his wife, my sister with her bf, one of my brother just moved out of my parents house and is now living with his gf, and another one going through a divorce but happy as can be because hes got his kids and a "friend" he seems to be happy to be with.

Seems like I have more in common with my 10 year old little brother who's dealing with taking the TAKS in 2 weeks. life is crazy... So I pray about this.. Asking Him to take this the feeling of getting left behind away. I pray that I continue on my path knowing that in His time, I too will one day have a wonderful person to share my life with and be blessed with the caring of the children he decides to sends us. He knows how much I am looking forward to this part of my life, and he knows how impatient I can get, so I ask him to put these thoughts away. I was sure he was listening.

Here comes the funny part. I attend weekly meetings for my MIE group every Thursday night. I am usually the first one there and wait patiently til everyone arrives. The first week, I took notice of this Vase filled to the rim with pieces of small papers, rolled up. I know what these are. Its scripture for the taking. You take one, at random and its supposed to speak to you. ok so its not supposed to speak to you, but for me.. it usually does. I take one and open it to read it.

From the book of MARK, Chapter 10, verses 2-12:
Jesus said to the Pharisees, "God made them male and female. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and the two shall become as one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no man must separate..."

Not laughing yet? Well that is what I pulled out on the first week. The second week I go, I reach and shuffle my hand in the vase, I grab a hold of a rolled up piece of paper and pull it out. I'm pretty sure they refill this thing in the week, and I'm sure that they don't print out the same verses often (I had to ask so i did) but guess what verse I got on the second week?

The EXACT SAME VERSE from the first week. I'm not sure what He is trying to tell me, and maybe I'm reading too much into it.. but ah! This was too weird. This past week.. I walked passed the vase of scriptures without taking one. I know that the chances of taking one and getting the same verse that I have gotten three times in row were very unlikely, but I didn't want to take any risks. lol

Friday, I go to the monthly meetings with the Women I went on a retreat with and guess what my group discussed.. THIS VERY SAME THING. I can't go into depth of what was said because of "the rule" but I'm seriously dumbfounded at times at how He tries to get my attention, and I end up frustrated because I don't know what He is trying to tell me.

So I pray.. and I will continue to do my best to follow in his footsteps .

saturday morning

Its Saturday! whoop dee doo! .. blah! i didn't sleep much.. and I made a quick stop on my way to our first fundraising event for MIE.. a car wash.... its SO gloomy out there tho..

I checked the weather channel... no sign of it clearing up and allowing Mr Sun to do its job. lame!

but they haven't cancelled it so there i go.

I'm just killing time.. oh um.. for my readers (I have finally convinced myself that I have more than just 4 lol.. yes and they all wish to remain anonymous which i dont mind jeje) so heres some title blogs to look forward to..

1.Gods's sense of humor..
2.Just add it to the List...
3. .....................................

ok so the third one has no title yet.. but it will .. some of these have been started but i dont know which one is to be posted up first..

Vous parle francais?

I have no idea why I didn't notice them last semester. I truly believe this is there first semester here, i would have noticed, or heard them. I'm referring to to the Foreign exchange students from France.

I studied French for 3 years in Middle school and I have managed to retain a lot of it, don't know how or why since I don't get to practice it but my guess would be because its close to Spanish.

When I work my late night shift at the library, they congregate.. and they speak in their tongue and I tend to strain my ears to see if I can decode something, anything.. sometimes I can!

I secretly want to be their friend. lol This all makes me wonder what my high school life wouldve been like if I had gone to brack and continued with my plan of studying french all through high school. I secretly wish I could go back in time and rebel against my mother's wishes. She didn't allow me to continue with this "french" thing because it meant that me and my twin sis would be seperated and God forbid a wedge form between she and I.

HA! The wedge had already settled comfortably between us and apparently I was the only one to take notice of it.

:sigh: Now, I am to conform and wonder the what ifs, I am aware that this is pointless, and I hardly ever, EVER do this but I can't help it.

Another person I would like to befriend is this guy. The two people I actually talk to, know him. One of them, D is constanly laughing at him. This guy lives in his own world. I envy him. He visits the library a lot and is never around anyone. He's what one woulld call a loner, outcast, anti social, weird. He is tall and lanky, wears glasses and has long hair for a guy. lol

The other night, actually it was about a week ago, I am sitting doing my homework in the "noisy lab" when he walks in. I take no notice of his entrance, but D is quick to distract me from my work with the nudge. He isn't carrying anything which is unusual because he always has a book in his hands. He walks around, without a care in the world and watches over peoples shoulders at what they are doing on the computer. I know this may sound creppy but it really isn't. From what I have heard, this guy, lets call him 'MM,' is like really smart. I heard from someone that he tends to get into really good debates with the profs and sometimes proves them wrong. He is, a source tells me, a history major.

D think he walks around laughing the way people here waste their time on. He gives this laugh, almost as if hes pointing and laughing - minus the pointing. He moved from one side of the "noisy lab" to the other, randomly pausing behind someone and watching what was on thier screen for just a second. I too laughed when D mentioned this because it fits so well. He probably laughs at the students who come here because of the insignificant things that they waste their time on. If he were to stand over my shoulder right now, I wonder if hed laugh at me? lol.

I secretly want to be his friend too. I might have made a break-through today. He roams the library, just as much as I do, and I see him on campus everywhere and I have had only one interaction with him. I was at the circulation desk when he needed to check out something. Today however, had a two second conversation, small and insignificant small talk but it was the first time he actually looked down, I'm Pretty short!

I dont think hes weird at all.. i just think hed be someone cool to talk too and definitely someone i can have a laugh ot two with.

Chocolate?!

This song is in my head... get it out!! it makes me want....................

!!!!

Tú endulzas mi canción

Le das un buen sabor, a cada situación

Siempre Tú

¿Quién podría ser mejor?

Contigo sale el sol

Sazonas mi interior, siempre

Se derrite el corazón

Tan sólo con una mirada

Son tus besos, es tu voz que tienen mi alma enagenada

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate

Un corazón de bombón que late

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate

Oh oh oh oh ohUuh uh uh uh uhuuh uh uh uh uh

Tú, tú mi inpiración

Receta de pasión

Amor sin condición, siempre

Se derrite el corazón

Tan sólo con una mirada

Son tus besos, es tu voz que tienen mi alma enagenada

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate

Un corazón de bombón que late

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate

Oh oh oh oh oh

Quien no ha probado y no mas

Verás que te hace volar

El cielo en tu paladar

Así me quiero quedar

Quien no ha probado y no mas

Verás que te hace volar

El cielo en tu paladar

Así me quiero quedar, Contigo

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate

Un corazón de bombón que late

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate
Oh oh oh oh oh

I should probably get to class.... I hope that girl doesnt show up to class... you know, the one who likes to put her feet on MY chair...

Exam 1

I wrote this early this morning but i am just now posting it...

So I just submitted my first major exam for this semester...

I say major cus this is the only one I have had to worry about. I'm feeling pretty nervous right now.. the waiting for the grade to get posted is agonizing. I felt like I did ok... I typed pretty fast but I had plenty of time to go back and reread to make sure I was making sense. This class is taught by a professor whom I worked for last semester. EEK! When the class found this out (via the prof not me) they thought I had some insight to her assingments or the answers to everything. Little do they know that working for her and knowing her is what kills me... and although I think some of them wish they were in my shoes, I sit in class wishing I didnt know how critical she is.


Seriously though, you know what boggles my mind??
how stupid some of these people can act... (im not calling them stupid.. im just saying that their ACTIONS are) I hear constant complaints about how early the class is... umm hello! who sign you up for this course at this time??? you did! deal with it. A funny complaint I seem to get a kick out of is when they complain about how cold it is outside and that walking ALL the way to the building is such a drag and how cold their ears get, or how it sucks that they got wet while they crossed the street.

Once I caught the prof give me this look when she heard a discussion between a this girl and guy in the class. They were discussing the weater and how difficult it is to get up in this cold weather and walk across campus (as if its a HUGE campus). The Profs eyes met mine and she smiled.. hinting at me to comment on this discussion... I just smiled.. she give me a nod sort of saying.. "tell them their a bunch of babies... tell them you walk to school" and although i would like to tell them that I do walk to school.. rain or shine.. cold or hot.. dry or wet... i simply dont. I choose not to because i know that unless they are go through it.. they will never understand what its like.

I mostly choose to keep my mouth shut because I have realized that instead of sharing to make them understand that others are in less desirable circumstances, all I end up as a person looking for pity. I realize that sometimes people who offer help are the doing it out of pity.

Theres is maybe two people i know for sure that arent offering to help because they pity me, but rather because they are genuinely good people. And I seriously doubting one of them.

Pity isnt something I desire or expec from anyone... so KEEP IT! it is a horrible feeling when you realize people are being nice to you out of pity. its probably right up there with betrayal and being lied to.

Unspoken Words of Wounded Heart....

Dear Valentine,

Come away with me. If I had one day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that in the end, when time steals the rest away are the only things we will remember.

Dear Valentine,

These are the things I remember of my love…
A warm hand,
Your warm breath,
Your warm mouth,
Your arms around mine,
I remember feeling safe, ceaseless, like one person, the two of us still, at rest, entwined.
I remember how it felt the first time I kissed you. I felt like the high dive.

What do you remember?
How will I ever know what was inside your heart?
Where do they go? All the things we think and feel but don’t say?

Dear Valentine,

These are the things I never told you, these are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always and my love was so big it lives still after you’ve gone.

I’d like to tell you that I would do it differently, that if I had one more day I would do everything right but I know that isn’t true. I’d make all the same mistakes, that is, all except one…..



I wouldn’t say goodbye.

I wouldnt know ..

I dont know why but today at work.. i spent like two hours talking to a co worker... she got to hear about my family and my journey into this country.. among other things...

She said something that I never really thought of... She wondered why I wasnt bitter towards my parents or family.

Heres the thing.. despite the fact that my family is disfunctional, weird, stubborn, closed minded a times, and can say the most hurtful things to me, I still love them.

I have noticed that sometimes the more I feel like I want to find some peace among us, the more they reject it. This I know is because I know this will never occur on their terms. I want to feel like i can walk into the house and not feel judged.

No one knows what I go through, and its easy for people to share, but its not so much for me. Sometimes i do it unconciously and then i beat myself for doing it. I know i need to get it out sometimes and sometimes the burden of what i go through everyday takes on this uncontrollable force and the next thing you know im sharing something i would never share otherwise.

I can not tell you how many times the tears have dwelled up as i walk home sometimes late at night. Sometimes I have managed to keep them in til i reach the door. Sometimes im not as successful and as soon as i reach the reach the church.. i crack.. sometimes i wonder what the maintenance man thinks of me when i sit there and sob quietly. If only he knew how much comfort i get being in front of La Virgen de Guadalupe.

I dont cry because im having to walk, (no naci en carro) The tears accumulate because sometimes I go an entire week with out seeing my little brothers. No one will ever really know how much i miss those two boys.My nephew too has captured my heart in a way that no one ever will. They are my hereos, my life before I transferred to where i am now was really different. I used to have enough money to hang out with them. I never spoiled them, if they brought me home their report cards and most were A's there i went.. showing them that hard work earned them a trip to the movies, bowling or just time to go out for ice cream.

I cry because sometimes i feel like the sacrifice i have made is too much to bare. I dont remember feeling this alone in a long time... maybe never. Not even when i was at Texas State and no one knew of my situation with "Mr Rich."(maybe a blog for some other time) "Mr Rich" brought about this feeling of loneliness and fear that i dont wish upon anyone.



Well that feeling of loneliness has since been something i cant seem to get rid of. I feel alone because i feel like i dont have the support system most people have. I am my own Cheerleader but it gets really hard to cheer yourself up ALL THE TIME! sometimes i wish there was someone, a friend, a brother, my sister.. .. somebody.. ANYBODY.

No one seems to get it... sometimes i dont want people to tell me what to do.. sometimes i just want to lean on someone and cry til i have no more tears to cry. Sometimes i wish i didnt care about anything or anyone. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if i had done things differently. Like being open minded to Mr Rich and what he offered... not that i was interested in his money (although now it would be very beneficial.. lol.. i kid.. im no gold digger) anyway.. had he been right.. would i have really been able to forget and eventually care for him if i had been open minded about the whole thing.. the truth is that im sure i wouldnt have because its hard to forget



I wouldnt know how many more tears these eyes will shed

I wouldnt know the answer to a lot of unanswered questions and prayers (if they ever come at all)

I know i will never understand why I feel so different....

and I will never know when i will find that something.. that someone that can accept me just as i am and for who i will become.

things that annoy me... just a few...

So apparently I like making list of things to blog about...lol...I am such a nerd.. Here are some things make me want to scream at times.







1. The proffessor in Class C annoys me. I am in need of 2 of these courses to meet one of my degree requirements. i took the first course las semester this is the second. The prof that i took last semester was so challenging. She challenged me. there were times where I had my doubts of passing the class. This professor is just too easy... lectures for most of the class, i wish she would let the students speak.. or allow us to respond to her... sometimes it think that shes bias toward some issues... her Quizzes are way too long but too easy at the same time. Also, shes needs to put her foot down when it comes to people missing class and allowing us to take the quizzes home because only 3 people read.. its ridiculous.. grow a backbone lady!







2. to the girl who sits behind me in Class C: put your feet up on my chair one more time and I will chop them off!! so the desks in this class are the ones you slide into.. (see picture)ok.. so how annoying is it that i can feel her move her feet on my butt!! she sits very unlady, very slouchy (sp?) and she puts her feet up on my desk.. no matter how much i turn around to adjust my chair. she wouldnt get it.. The second week of class i brough my jacket and specifically hung it on the backrest of my chair thinking this would keep her from putting her feet up.. i was wrong.. i ended up with shoemarks on my jacket.. youre probably wondering why didnt i just move seats... well i did.. and the two times i did move.. there she went behind me.. IT took a very long ugly look at her when she did this in oder for her to stop..

4. Rain + cold = NO fun. I love LOVE the rain, and I Love LOVE, LoVe, the cold weather, but when you put them together... I dont love them too at all. the other day i got soaked.. and it doesnt help that the drains are no good.. Water accumulates everywhere.. I seriously feel like im crossing at least, AT LEAST 5 rivers when i make my way to school. I guess getting a bigger umbrella would work too.. but what does one do about wet shoes!!?? ugh.. theres nothing more annoying than having wet feet ALL DAY long.. (the plastic bag thingy i mentioned in another blog didnt do the trick this time.. go figure! )

hmm.. i thought my list was longer.. im sure it is, but i cant seem to find the paper ive jotted them in... if i find it.. i will add more to this blog.. lol

Spain and MIE...Dreams

SPAIN!

So it looks like it won't happen for me. At least not right now. I knew that it was an unrealistic dream. When I first heard of the trip and oppourtunity, I managed to tell myself that I would ask my family for financial help seeing as that I don't EVER ask them for anything. Now that I have more info of the trip I thought about this some more.

I am dying to go, and although I was willing to swallow my pride and ask my family for help, I no longer wish to do so. This is not because I am too proud to ask for help, because of my desire to go, especially with the parish, I was willing to ask them for help. After knowing how they feel about my "dreams," I figured they would only think THIS one too was too high.'

I knew that I would get lectured on how my goals are too high and how I aim for the stars and never really leave the ground. I knew that they would try to shatter this dream and knock some sense into me and their ultimate goal would be to say, "you're right... I won't ever get to reach those dreams because no one from 'us' has or is likely to ever be able to."

I knew from the beginning that unlike most of the dreams/goals I have shared with my family, this one was different. I knew that no matter what they said, how hurtful their words would be, this dream wasn't going to be like the others. This one isn't going to get pushed away into just an idea. Nope, this dream would live and I knew that even if I asked them and they laughed at my face for thinking I was able to reach such a place, that even then I would find the strength to get up and prove them wrong.

I won't be able to go for WYD (world youth day) with the parish, and even though I never told my family, (or intend to) I will go someday. Maybe when I graduate, ill have the means to go then, even if its alone. the point is to go right? It isnt about proving my family wrong.. that takes too much effort...lol..

This is more of something for myself. I want to be able to just plan it and announce to my mom that I will be away for a week... i dont even want her to know where I will be.. and if no one ever hears of my adventure in spain, i wouldnt mind. I am sure that once they do, theyll probably lecture me on how irresponsible i am and how i could do such a thing without letting anyone know but by then i would be back and nothing they say will take that experience from me.

But for now.. the door to Spain has been closed.

Depending on how you want to look at it, it may sound like im just rambling... and that including a picture of a door was pretty cheesy.. lol.. and youre probably correct...

FYI the pic was the inpsiration for this post.

For some, it may seem like its closing.. (Going to Spain) but if thats the case, "when one door closes, another one opens."

Last night i received a call letting me know that they had accepted my application for the MIE (MEXICAN IMMERSION EXPERIECE) group. Originally this was scheduled for the week of spring break. Because Campus ministry thought it was too little time to prep for it, they have changed the dates to the second week in MAY. what is MIE?

In Short, its mission trip the university has every semester. the trip is to the suburbs of Monterrey, Nuevo LEon , MEXICO. we will be going there to help out some of the poorest people of a parish and help with the youth group, elderly and orphans. The cost.. it NOT $4000.. but $100. What difference eh? Ive seen pictures and ive heard people talk about it and i am eager to go. in fact today is our first meeting. We will be fundraising for til we are to set off.

So i know that, most people join this to be culturally immerse in the mexican culture, or because they are learning spanish and want to get the practice, others are doing it because of their social work, theology, or mexican american studies majors. My motives? none of the above. I am a MExican and I am in no need of getting culturally immersed, I am fluent in spanish, and this isnt something required of me for my degree. It isnt also something to replace my trip to spain.

Although most people might look back at their college experience and talk about all the frienships they made, sororieties, fraterneties, or clubs they were in, i know that i wont have that.. I do however want to have SOmething to say, and if its only one thing, i want to make it meaningful. Helping others and practicing what is taught at church is meaningful to me.

I hear we will be staying with a group of nuns, and that the men will stay at the parish we will be staying at with the Father. I am curious to see how some of the other people willl react. Their faces when they showed pics of what the conditions were were revealed some worry. But seeing a pic and experiencing it are two different things. Im not saying i am an expert or that i know what the situation is like there, but i think i can relate a lot to what some of the pictures showed. IT made me want to go even more so than before. A week in MExico and all i need is $100?! you know im there.... especially if its a mission trip to help the less fortunate.

DAYS from HELL...

UGH! I hate mondays with a passion!

Seriously.. they are the worst day of the week for me. My Schedule is wack.. I wont see my bed til tuesday morning.. and I don't even get to sleep in it.. I just have time to bathe, get dressed.. and head back to school for tuesday classes.

ALso, my laptop is gone.. well not really.. but apparently its 'infected' with something and now its useless at my place... to make matters worse i have a paper due tommorrow and a presentation to finish up thats also to be presented tomorrow.. ugh! i think i would have had it done by now.. but no.

sometimes I think theres no way my life, or situation can possibly get worse, and then as if God is teasing me something happens. I should probably make peace with him because who knows what else can go wrong.

I'm working on it...

OK so, i wasnt gonna plan on being here for the V-day, I was hoping to be up in OKlahoma, doing a presentation and catching up with old friends I havent seen in a year. I was asked to be a panelist for a town hall meeting-type of deal and was also to help with a presentation. I was really looking forward to being away. Valentines day isnt a holiday I have enjoyed the past few years at all.. and not that I need someone 'special' on that day, it just tends to bring really good memories of a really happy time in my life... and also the realization that I probably wont ever get to be that happy again. lol.

As it turned out, the people I was goign to drive with decided to fly instead... I have no means to pay for that, or anything else for that matter, (totally broke and then some...lol. )

So now it's thursday, I was supposed to be on my way to Oklahoma, but it wasn't written that I go. Happy V-day to me! yay- lol... ok so im not excited at all about it.. and not because I dont have a significant other, its mostly because it seems that each year.. people go over board on everything that deals with this day, than the previous year. It is truly a hallmark holiday.. isnt that what some refer it to?

And what I hate, and wish to simply not hear is people ( mostly girls.. ok.. all of them are girls..lol) complain about their boyfriend (or whatever boy toy they have...lol) not making this day special or for not planning to go out on this day.

I think even , if i did have someone it wouldnt be a big deal... its just not who i am. a card will do for me.. if he doesnt get me a card... oh well.. no big deal..

Girls who make it a big deal, arent really in the relationship for the right reasons... if they were they wouldnt need flowers, a gift, dinner, movie,..etc from the other end as a symbol of their appreciation. feel free to disagree...

the things Ive learned while in school

First off, when I read this before posting it, I felt it made me sound like I was complaining or looking for people to feel sorry for me. If you happen to think this way, I beg of you, please don't. My blog is used to vent, and express things I can't otherwise do without breaking down or just things that are best left for cyber space to sort through.(lol) The blog in no way is a means of getting attention, nor will it ever. I enjoy writing because it is the way I can express myself. I'm sure that it doesn't seem that way because why else would I have a public blog where anyone can read what I write. Not that I need to justify my actions, but the reason for this is because i feel people need to understand where I come from, especially those who know me. giving my reasons some value as opposed to just dismmissing them. There are times where I say something, or do something that others don't understand, and sometimes never will, at that moment I hesitate and I try to explain why I say and do certain things, but all i get is a debate. I don't want to be criticized for what I say and do, but I almost always walk away feeling alone, and misunderstood. Sometimes even those who are closest to me are the people I feel the farthest from. so with that said.. im done... enjoy my rantings. :D



Thing Learned #1 : the english language has 35 phonemes, and spanish has only 22. Phonemes are (too complicated to discuss but heres the short version) basically sounds created by the mouth, lips, and position of the tongue. This might serve as an explanation to why a spanish speaker has trouble when speaking and learning english pronounciation, they are having to make sounds they have never used, EVER.


ok so im not going to sit here and type all the knowledge ive gained being in school.. haha.. that would be a very long blog. This list consist of little things that perhaps only pertain to me...


DID YOU KNOW.....

#1 : if you cut open a toothpaste tube after you have squeezed every bit of it out, there is enough toothpaste to last you 3 more days?!

#2 : Kix Cereal does have a hint of sugar, and can be very addicting without the milk. Dry cereal is by far the best breakfast i have had in months. lol

#3: Jeans last longer if you turn them inside out before you put them in the washer.

#4: pb & j sandwiches will never be overrated. strawberry jelly might be but not the sandwich.

#5: walking home at midnight is a big no no! especially around these woods.

#6: no need for rainboots. Just put plastic bags on after your socks and youll be set.. you might still feel the cold but youre feet will thank you for keeping them dry...just dont forget to take them off once youre done walking through puddles.. the plastic in your shoes makes a funny noise.

#7: sprint doesnt cut off service from your phone til 15 days after your payment was due :D.

#8: taking free pens and pencils from booths at events can lead to you not having to buy pens or pencils for a really long time!! so next time take the pen, pencil and never, NEVER pass up HIGHLIGHTERS!!

#9 prayer cards serve as wonderful bookmarks. so what if people start asking/assuming that your major is theology.. lol.

#10: ALWAYS ALWAYS one must check what day of the week it is before rushing out the door. (see facebook status for Jan 31 for explanation..lol)

#11: childhood friends, if not kept in touch with over the years, are NOT THE SAME person! especially if you had a crush on one in the 3rd grade...

#12: realize that dreams are good for catching you, but are also even better at never letting go. ("a dream is still a dream even if you stop believing in it)

#13: 16hrs isnt a lot... not when you make each class a priority.

#14: friends, no matter how close they are will let you down, and will not always understand where youre coming from.

#15: jansport makes great backpacks... although i feel like mine is about to retire :(.. is just a tear away.. but its been a long bumpy ride.

#16: when youre money is going into tuition and books, everything else isnt as important.. in fact NOTHING IS as important.

#17: dont ever look for a person who has the same dedication for something, anything(in my case school) as you do because you wont find any..




lol... so its not the end but for this post it is..