Monday, April 26, 2010

I dont know how much more I can handle. I dont know if I am just hurting myself. What I do know is that I dont have anytime for this. I feel like my emotions have all been forced into a small jar and there is no more room for anything. NO pity, no sorrow, no sadness, and certaintly no room for happiness.

Why is it all so present now? WHY NOW!?? Wouldnt it be nice if you could pencil into your agenda the appropriate time where youre allowed to feel the entire weight of the world on your shoulders and not worry about having a breakdown? And if you do happen to breakdown underneath it all, it wouldnt matter, because you would know to retreive yourself to a secluded area, away from everyone, away from everything and just let go. Clearly I am not alone in this... am I?

I have to maintain focus. Continue on this path that I am on... at least for the next two weeks. TWO WEEKS???!! that seems like an unbearable amount of time. GAHH!

I will look back on this post and laugh. maybe even critizice how dramatic i am being. For the mean time however... I am allowed to whine, throw my fits, complain, and vent about everything and nothing at the same time.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Enough already!

Feminism.

urg! enough already! Seriously.

I had not given much thought to this idea. That is until now, or at least this semester. The subject has come up in lectures and class discussions.

Earlier this semester, (I cant recall if I made a post on this event or not) I felt out of place when I shared that my belief, and essentially my upbringing, was that it was my duty as a woman to serve and tend to the males in my family.

I was very frustrated because somehow this changed the way most of the girls i had befriended treated me. This very subject has resurfaced again with much more intensity. Earlier during the week, while in class the professor asked the class who considered themselves feminist. Most if not all the class raised their hand, I took a while and instead of raising my hand I made a comment. "to a certain extend"

I should have known better. This started some what of a very deep discussion among the class. Even though I triggered the discussion, I held back.... bit my tongue. With the exception of a handful of people I know, I have yet to meet someone who fully understands and is not quick to judge and argue with my beliefs.

Society has placed this attitude in women now a days, and its true...their frustrations are valid. There are still occasions where Women are thought of as inferior to men. Take the workforce, a man and a woman who have the exact same credentials skills, experience are seen and treated differently. It can be proven that the man's salary is higher than the women. This is not fair. I agree with every other feminist out there and will gladly stand out and protest against this any day.


HOWEVER,

That is probably where It will end. when it comes to the "home", there is no place for such mentality. This mentality does not exist. I'm sick and tired.. HEAR ME, SICK AND TIRED, of trying to explain this to people. You can't tell me its wrong to think as I do. There is nothing wrong with Me WANTING to someday, "cater" to the man I will one day marry. YOU can't tell me you feel sorry for me for the times I served my dad, and brothers.
AND YOU CANT TELL ME I AM WRONG WHEN I SHARE THAT IS WHAT I USE TO DEFINE MYSELF AS A WOMAN. I AM NOT WRONG. And I am not saying that you're wrong either. This is just what I believe.

Call it catering call it whatever you want, If i don't judge you for your believes who are you to judge me for mine?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The one thing I despise at the moment.

Ok first off I finished a post I had started, (friendship schedule).. Blogger has this thing were you can save your blogs but will publish them the day you started them and not the day you finish them. weird.


Ok so Like mentioned it the past post - This is a post about my NEW JOB.

*sigh* where to begin.

Lets see, Where do i begin.

First off, I am way over qualified for this job. I mean this in without intending to sound cocky or full of myself. I seriously am overqualified though. I am a Cashier at a Restaurant. A restaurant Downtown, where tourist, among people other people with fame go to. Lets refer to it as LM. I get paid 8.50/hr. I get paid every week, which is probably the one thing I cant complain about. I am probably gonna stay there for a good while though. The manager that hired me was a real good man. He made me feel like they could and would work with me because I was going to school. And they have.

SO Why do I hate it so much?
a few reasons.
Mostly its the people who work there. At first, I thought everyone was super nice. Most of the Servers (waitstaff) are men. All of the Cashiers are females. The Waiters bring us the bill for each table and we process the payment. I was quick to notice how friendly all the waiters were. I really didnt think much of it because most of them have been there for more than a decade. yes thats right... some have been there almost 30 years.. so Most of them are old enough to be my father. I also was quick to notice how they treated the cashiers. And thats where I found the problem. The older men are very "friendly." They tend to pick on the cashiers and say offensive things to them. To my surprise, I am the only one who finds such comments offensive.

The Uniforms we wear aren't revealing,
It is very similar to this image. Except our blouse is White and the skirt is Blue. we were a Belt type thing that is bright orange. A lot of the offensive comments are done because of what we wear. I have heard some waiters tell one of the cashiers that she should wear a slip so that they wont get distracted. Also, because we are not allowed to carry cell phones, yet some of them still do.. they choose to hide it in thier bras... where they have to constantly be pulling their shirt down in order to retreive it making it look very inappropriate.

Also, the men there are very touchy-feely. Ive seen some touch the cashiers inappropirately. Although they do get a reaction from the cashiers its always a playful response. My second day there, I had men coming up to hug and kiss me as i entered the break room. I hug and kiss on the cheek to people I have known for years, and I know who is comfortable with it and who isnt, so I dont do it to every one. These people however made me uncomfortable. Most of the staff is from MExico, and this is something that is used there, but also in moderation.

I was quick to realize that the reason these waiters behave this way is because the cashiers allow them to. There have been certain comments that I have received, my response to them however has probably not been very pleasing to the waiters. I have been told by other cashiers that some of them think im stuck up.

to this I laughed. I have no problem with them thinking this way. I know its not true. I do hope that they don't cross the line with me, because there will be some serious words said to them. I will look past their age, and forget about respecting my elders. First they must learn to respect me.

Also it is very hard, EXTREMELY hard not to judge some of these men. I know some are married, with children, and others also work along side their sons. So what kind of people are they?? set the example! jeez!

Also the the other thing that bugs me is when I am stationed to work at the Bar. They have Hundreds of Tequila brands that I have yet to figure out. I cant tell the diffrence between cognac and brandy. And although the bartenders are some of the better men who work there, their constant questions as to why I dont drink and never accept an invite is annoying and I do wish they would just let me do my job.

I chose to keep my life rather private at work because Its not somewhere I plan to find good friends, nor do I plan to stay there for ten years like some of them have, but for now... It is a job i am willing to put up with because it makes my school schedule work. It also allows me to make ends meet.. so far at least.

I do have some bad memories of the Festivities that are currently going on, and my time there this week will drag on, but I have to constantly remind myself that all it is is a temporary solution for some of my financial problems and I must be strong despite the uncomfortable things I have to endure.

Another reason I am somewhat bitter about it is tha because of it I kind of have this nasty feeling of selfishness. I no longer have the time to be around the parish and pay my weekly visits (other than Sundays) to La Virgen de San Juan or La Virgen de Guadalupe. I feel as if I have turned my back on them and I hate it. This is probably the hardest thing to cope with. I no longer have that alone time at the parish and unleashing anguish, frustrations or just expressing how thankful I am for all of the blessings in my life, is not the same thing when its done at home, or late at night when I get off of work.

I know that for some people it may seem as though I am giving the time I used to give to my faith to some insignificant job. This is true at the surface. Once you get past that, people will know that although it is an insignificant job, it is allowing me to continue to pay for my studies and that my faith it is still very strong.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

what if the rough edges never Heal?

First, Please excuse the... ummm the... darn it! sorry for not blogging lately.. Actually I have blogged but they just haven't been public.

Did you guys actually think, I'd stop my complaints, hopes, dreams, tantrums, etc.. that this so called life brings out of me??!!

HA! as if! lol.

Ok so I haven't had much time on my hands to get around to things such as, facebook, blogger, and myspace- if i still have an account there.. lol.. Tom probably cancelled it or should since Im never on there.

Things haven't really been going so great for me. Wait, not everything.. School is probably the one thing that has not suffered. In fact, I am in GREAT standing in most if not ALL of my 5 classes! I don't meant to brag, but not everyone is able to do this and have TWO jobs.

SO WHAT..................?!
-... if i dont have a life?!
-... if I'm paying rent for a place I have yet to see in the sunlight?
- ... if my clothes are still in suitcases??
-... if my bed is still not where it should be?!
-... if i have to wear a goofy uniform to make tuition payments?!
-...if i dont know what its like to sleep for more than 5hours a night?!
-...if I dont have a single day off??

All that really matters is that my grades have never been better. All that matters is that I am more focused than ever.

I quit my old job and found a new one(one which I HATE!!!!- this is a post on its own... and its in the works... more to come on why i hate it so much and why im putting up with it....stay tuned! HAHA), I was petrified and had my doubts about how it would all turn out. I was exhausted just thinking about it. I am exhausted about my routine, and I long to have some free time. I do long to do things and go places and just be with others who have nothing to do with school... meh!

At least people have stopped telling me im depressed and that I need to go see a Doctor... I am however, still trying to figure out if its because I am no longer around. lol. I hear it from the family a lot.. complaints about missing easter, missing birthday parties and the endless guilt cards thrown at me... but theyre the ones who were telling me i was depressed and that i should occupy my time with other things.. PROBLEM SOLVED! quien les entiende! lol.

I have never been this busy, EVER and im sure its gonna get old, and sure.... I dont have to go in on the days i dont have to but i dont wanna worry about paying tuition or SUMMER SCHOOL! (among other things.. like food) lol.. its hard. and yes things would be easier if i had moved back in with my parents, EVERYTHING would be easier except one thing.... SCHOOL!... my one and only current priority.

Despite keeping a hectic schedule where every minute counts.... I have not let go of reading...and although Ihad planned to take this one to the grave I have given into reading the Twilight series. Dont judge ME! lol.. I swore never to get into it for it is was something i thought was dumb and pointless. i was very wrong and I take my words back.

anywho.. thats it for now.

Sorry rebecca.. I know I told you I'd be posting a blog about Superman, but maybe another day.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

friendship schedule

ok first things first... I guess an update would be nice no?


ok.. been at my new place for at least two weeks. Still very little furniture but I am loving having a fridge and stove.

My new job- ah! where to begin... there's so much to say on this subject that it should get its own post but I guess all that I can leave you with is that it pays and money is something I need to catch up with my tuition payments in order to register for the fall. I will be doing summer school too but I am not sure where.. it may be at the sister school.. St. Mary's, it all depends on weather a grant goes through for me or not.

ok.. back to the title of my blog...

Superman, has made a reappearance into my life...again... just recently. As you might recall, I had mentioned he was dating this one girl I have for one of my classes. Last week, I saw him for the very first time this semester! yes.. its almost over and I just saw him. I wish I would have seen him approaching so as to avoid the awkwardness between us- or at least my awkwardness. I was caught off guard and though he didn't say anything, I couldn't help but say hi. All i got was a couple of pats on my shoulder and off he went. he was obviously very late for class. Didn't think much of it and just went on. Having a missed called from him was very unusual and quiet frankly it made me uneasy.

He called at the same time he used to phone me... smack down in the middle of the night... 2am... I didn't hear it and wasn't aware til the next morning. I decided to send him a text and wish him a happy Easter.

He ends up calling me again a couple of nights later... we talked, caught up and he gave me the speech everyone seems to be giving me lately... which isn't worth mentioning, because it just proves my theory that NO ONE gets it (or rather, no one gets me).

He then proceeds to ask me a childish question...
"if i tell you something, you promise not to get upset and stop talking to me?"
what the Fudge! are we in 5th grade again or what?!
I already knew what this was about... he wanted to tell me that he was dating someone else... and i was right.

I laughed and let him know how silly I think he is being. I told him what I told two other guys who once asked me the same thing. This has happened way too many times in my book and frankly its dumb.. I know how insecure girls can be.. HELLO I'm one of them!!..
Obviously he wanted to see if we could still be friends. I told him the only way I will cease being a friend to him or any other guy who is a friend is if the girl he is dating has an issue with them being friends with me. does this make sense??? lol.. ahh! its so annoying..

take MM for example...
We met through mutual friends... he was very reserved and id like to think that I was among the few people whom he confided in. We would go to the movies, hang out at the book stores, and talk about issues and life in general- our relationship was a good one. I never felt like he wanted more out of it, -just true, genuine friendship. this friendship lasted years... as he dated several girls I blended in and out of his life. It appeared I only existed when he was taking "a break" from the dating scene. I was just that.. a pal, a friend never to be seen as nothing more. Some of his relationships lasted for months, and during these months I didn't answer calls or text as often as I would. He accused me of not being a good friend and I had to make it very clear that it was truly out of respect for his girlfriends. He often introduced me to a couple of them and for those that dont know... girls are pretty quick on picking up clues when other Females are not so friendly.

Its often the case. A guy cant have girls who are friends and have a girlfriend. why?! Who knows.. jealousy, insecurities, you name it.. the female species is a complicated issue, almost impossible to dissect fully.

No matter what though, the minute MM needed advise, (post breaking up with gf) there i was. I didn't mind. Some people tell me I liked to get used. But they are entitled to their opinions as I am. I know that this will be the case for Superman. If he decides to ever hang out again or start calling me up as often as he once did. I will be there, answering calls, hanging out (of course that is if time permits and my studies are in jeapordy) just as we once did.

Through all of this I started wondering if this is just how all guys will eventually see me as, good old reliable Teresa, always there, no matter what happens. It almost sounds like I am being used does'nt it? ESpecially because when i have needed a freind, (A guy friend- sometimes being around my own kind, gets a bit annoying.. too many hormones i guess..lol) they seem to be not there, or it seems as if the friendship is only allowed on thier watch.

But this is my fault. I dont reach out to them. I guess it just bums me out that I once had this, and now I don't. The sad part is that I am not sure if I will ever be able to reach out and say "hey! remember me?"