Gift From West

I'm having a crappy Tuesday, my throat is hurting/sore, im having a major headache, among other unpleasant symptoms. But As i checked my box at work, i found a gift from a teacher. And it lifted my spirits so i just had to blog about it... well that and i have nothing better to do. If i just sit here, my eyes will shut without due warning.

Its a card, a necklace and a pair of earrings. wasn't that nice of her? Its good when people let you know how appreciative they are of you and the work that you do for them.

Hopes up because its no hardly ever (mostly never) comes a reality for a girl like me.

A DATE TO THE BALL

It would be great...would he say yes? I would totally go against what I believe in if I ask him. But like everything else I shouldn't get

aches, and thoughts-- dreams too.

My stomach ache started a few minutes ago.. lame! I think it might be due to the banana nut muffing I had for breakfast. I really wanted a blueberry muffin though.

My feet ache because of my heels and my back is also in pain due to sleeping on the floor of our efficiency. I moved in with N.O. for the the two months we still have left its nice. I do however look forward to going back to my parents house once the room gets remodeled.

I have clearly made no progress with my moods. No I am not bipolar. But lately My mood has been down. My mother said I might be depressed. But I don't think that is the case. ( I might be wrong)

I really hate to admit it but I miss R. --ok so maybe I'm not hating having to admit it lol. I think I miss seeing him the way three, -- sometimes four times, a week. now, im lucky if i even get a text message. It really bums me out. Maybe My initial thought was right.. maybe all he really wants is just to be friends. could i be blamed for thinking other wise? --don't answer that.

What I mean is that up until we started communicating again, I was well on my way --not really but i'd like to think so-- to getting over him. At least I wasn't in tears as often as I would get everytime I'd see a photograph. It had been a little over a year and I had no contact at all what so ever. I would ocasionally look him up on one of the sites and -of course it was private-- i'd look at his profile pic. it may sound a bit stalkish but i trust me.. i'm no stalker. I'd check his status, mood and all that i could and that would last me a good month.... lol pathetic i know!

Even when i was seeing other guys, i'd do this. which i now wonder how could i have done that?... and that leads to the guilt i have for doing that to the guys i was seeing. I gave them no chance and some of them were very nice to me. Any other girl wouldve been flattered and even mesmerized by some of the things some of them did for me. But I was -- and possible still be-- under the R spell.

Lately I've been so confused about the whole situation that I've started to wonder if my feelings for R are just an obsession. what is an obession any way?

obsession ob·ses·sion (əb-sěsh'ən, ŏb-)
n.

1. Compulsive preoccupation with an idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

---

So there you have it courtesy of Dictionary.com

First definition makes sense, Its a cumpulsive preoccupation with the Idea of being where we once used to be- its certainly not an unwanted feeling or emotion, and I dont have anxiety -- cept maybe when i know hes gonna be around lol.

maybe it is an unreasonable idea. I used to tell myself that what once was, never will be again-- not with him or anyone else. But i know why i used to say that to myself. I was convinced that I had to let him go. I had to also let go of the idea that I may one day find what I had with him with someone else. I never thought I'd ever see, talk or hear from him ever again. Even then, thoughts and memories of him occupied my mind and haunted me in dreams.


I'm soo blah! Where are the answers to my questions? I wish there was a book, a guideline, a path aligned with arrows pointing in the direction I am supposed to face. I want to get to where ever it is i am supposed to be already.

My ramblings for today end here..

*sigh*

hot and red

im such a dork... and im sure I made a complete fool of myself..

I hardly EVER stutter..it was bad.

I wonder if my face looks as hot and red as it feels.


silly me.. I aint no teenager so why do I feel like one when R is around.
I am however very HAPPY to have seen him.

Rebecca and nancy will be please to know that i didnt mail it in. hahaha..

I lub my friends.. they've made me realize how much of a coward i really am when it comes to boys-guys, i mean men! lol.. (see? I'm mature enough to use the word men.)

damn you R. why and how do you sense my troubles??! its pure torture only because I dont have you to confide in. no one would understand or will they ever?

I have been restored to default mode.. phew! that one lasted longer than I had hoped.. lol back to work.

breathe

I have butterflies in my stomach...

WHY OH WHY?!

I know.. its R.

When do I get rid of this?

I should just get it over with and confess.

I dont have the guts to risk the outcome..

BLAH! help.. oh just get here already...

If this gets posted correctly I will absolutely love blogger for the rest of my entire life..lol

Like sardines- minus the smell.

hmm.. so living out of the suitcase isn't the worst that's happened to me. I was not looking forward to moving back in with my parents. My mother of course jumps for joy each time I walk through the front door only because she knows that my visit is not gonna be a five minute visit.

P joined us at my parents last night. Hes the one going through the divorce. He now shares the inflatable mattress that gets pulled out and prepped by me for Cheps one of my Other brothers who has graciously given up his room (that is under construction) for my sis and I to share. Basically becasue of the size of his room, he and my sis are swithching bedrooms so that My sis and can have our "space." Since the room is unfinished, my brother is sleeping in the living room floor. At least hes not alone anymore.

so there you have it- My moms house feels and looks like a can of sardines, but smells like FABULOSO! -(equivalent of pinesol cept the smell is TEN times more pleasant)

Oh the call from BB yesterday finally came... it was no biggie.. she just wanted to catch up. im Definitely in AND! EVERYTHING is paid for. VOUCHERS for my flight will be mailed soon! im
GETTING some what excited.

there is a slight chance of sing R today. YAY!

Tuesdays?!

AH! ok.. so my initial plan was to keep this as ---well actually.. I don't know what my plans were for this blog. I assume I just wanted to continue blabbling. Also to share who I am. But that has changed. I started blogging about my family.. but It sucks that I still have no followers. Doesn't really bug me but it is nice to know that people out there read your shananigans. anyhooo..

My vision for the blog has changed. I think I'll just blog about my random days in this so called life of mine.

I am at work... just logged into one of my email accounts and there in the inbox was an email from BB. She is the coordinator for an intership I applied to for this summer in Chicago. Might I add that was a part of this intership last summer in the beautiful city of San Diego. I chose to apply again this year and was thrilled and excited because it would mean me leaving this lone star state and venturing out into the rest of the USA. I was anxious about my interview- It never came! I some how got accepted (via email) into the internship. Once aGain I was super excited, didn't think much of not having gone through the phone interview required.

I coulndnt help but worry because--well I'm just the type of gal to worry about the slightest detail. So I see the email in my inbox from BB where she states to call her... I immediately get on the phone and hear her voice, only to tell me that she will call back in 5-she about to go into conference room. so now i wait?! duh! lol..

My fear is that she will tell me that the acceptance email was a mistake and that she regrets to inform me that I will not be in the intership this year.

its been over 5minutes.. she must have gotten caught up in something.. oh well.. lame!