Although I am still quiet bummed about not being in school this semester... I am choosing to make it a productive time.
This semester wont be a completely waste...
I will enroll in two classes, the last two I can take at a community college, how ever Classes wont start til after spring break..its a flex course
I also have a mini vacation planned to Florida for spring break. This is something I am looking forward to it was practically free and I couldn't turn it down.
After spring break comes the summer, I planned to apply for the internship have applied for the past three years and if I get accepted I will be away for TWO weeks.
I am currently looking for another job that pays well and my schedule is set I need to to save money for several things.
Aside from my living expense, gas, phone bill, and food...etc
My outstanding balance, with the overly expensive private university I decided to attend, is a priority.
Also a priority is my citizenship fees . This needs to get done and I never really thought I would get the drive to finally become one, but recently I have found me something, rather someone, who has inspired me to just go for it.
****QUICK NOTE****
Because I have readers whom I know well - at least those visible
(if you are following me anonymously its cool too... ED!!!) I just wanted to tell you guys how flattered I am. I know that at times my blogs are completely just a drag and i whine and complain a lot but having this space to share my thoughts and fears, hopes and dreams, has been very rewarding.I don't have many readers (visible ones... ahem... EDDIE!) but even having the few that I do have it encourages me to sit here and blog away. In reality none of you may read this, (if this is the case, lie to me..lol) but regardless I write. Most of the time, I feel relieved after blogging. Sometimes it helps me sort things out and in the process makes me find understanding that I would have otherwise overlooked.
So whether you've read one, or all of my entries, whether you've left me a comment or have not, thanks a bunch! Mil GRACIAS! merci beaucoup!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I want to see the sun again.
According to the weather forecast, the sun will be out by monday.
That isn't really what I was referring to. Week 1 is almost over. Week one was hell. I smiled, I went about my duties at my jobs, and I kept on smiling.
When Asked by a friend how was handling my "school" situation, I really had no answer. I am so proud that I have only broken down once, and though many other times have presented themselves, I kept composure. I kneel and pray. It helps a lot. I cant explain where this strength is coming from and I can only conclude that God is somewhere in the middle of it.
I want to be ok, and happy. Although I may not seem gloomy, at the end of the day there is still that part of me that wishes to be updating statuses about how my new classes are going. I have gotten text messages and calls from people who I know want to know what happened, and I cant seem to answer them. My text are short and to the point. I hope they understand. My biggest fear is that I will break if
I talk to them.
IT isn't good to be envious of people. This I know. But at the moment I am struggling with this. I envy those who are in school right now. I envy every single person who is sitting at the desk I would be sitting at in every class.
I envy those who have no financial issues.
I envy those who have support such as family, friends, husbands, boyfriends, etc.
The days will come and go. and the time will pass and I will too be okay right?
That isn't really what I was referring to. Week 1 is almost over. Week one was hell. I smiled, I went about my duties at my jobs, and I kept on smiling.
When Asked by a friend how was handling my "school" situation, I really had no answer. I am so proud that I have only broken down once, and though many other times have presented themselves, I kept composure. I kneel and pray. It helps a lot. I cant explain where this strength is coming from and I can only conclude that God is somewhere in the middle of it.
I want to be ok, and happy. Although I may not seem gloomy, at the end of the day there is still that part of me that wishes to be updating statuses about how my new classes are going. I have gotten text messages and calls from people who I know want to know what happened, and I cant seem to answer them. My text are short and to the point. I hope they understand. My biggest fear is that I will break if
I talk to them.
IT isn't good to be envious of people. This I know. But at the moment I am struggling with this. I envy those who are in school right now. I envy every single person who is sitting at the desk I would be sitting at in every class.
I envy those who have no financial issues.
I envy those who have support such as family, friends, husbands, boyfriends, etc.
The days will come and go. and the time will pass and I will too be okay right?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Sometimes.. letting go is the only option...
I should be excited by now.
I should be looking over my schedule for tomorrow morning and making sure I have enough time to get to both jobs.
I should be getting my backpack ready for an exciting first day of spring semester.
But I am not. I can't. I am gloomy. I held my breath as I drove by the University I can no longer claim as mine.
It shouldn't be this way. I should have had everything just planned out. I am still trying to figure out (and in the process breaking my head) where i went wrong in the calculations. I am standing by my theory that they did not match the scholarship they said they would. That is why I am over $1000.00 in debt for the fall semester.
I am tired of explaining it. People keep asking me, did you do this? have you tried this? Did you talk to this person? Can we make a plate sale? what can I do?? Let me know what I can do for you.
Unless you have a thousand dollars just laying around that you can spare, There's nothing you can do. I appreciate their concern and willingness to help but by asking me to do this or have I done that, It really is just a slap in the face. People who know me know I have sacrificed a lot for my education and have gone above and beyond to attend a private university with one of the best bilingual education degrees offered in south Texas. So to ask me is to doubt my desires to be at that school.I also think that since most people don't know how complicated this is they cant fully understand so I wont hold it against them.
I guess im being a scrooge in a way, i have a bitter taste in my mouth.
Again I say, soy una nina caprichosa.
Maybe that's my real problem. I have unreachable goals and expectations for everything and my family has been right all along. I wont ever reach them. Maybe I need to settle. Settle like they do.
My biggest problem there is that I have no Idea how to settle. My inability to do so is what has set me apart from my entire family all this time. I feel like since they have no ambitions, and no desire to be knowledgeable about everything and anything they can, (like me) that I must be extra ambitious and learn as much as i can about anything I can possibly get my hands on. I didn't learn to be ambitious from them. Frankly I dont know where it comes from.
At times I love this about my self but tonight and every night I'm not at OLLU this semester, I will curse it. Curse it because if I wasn't so ambitious it wouldn't hurt this much.
The worse part about it it is the feeling of failure I have of myself. The fact that I couldn't make it happen another semester is torture. But alas, it is what it is and sometimes letting go is the only option.
I should be looking over my schedule for tomorrow morning and making sure I have enough time to get to both jobs.
I should be getting my backpack ready for an exciting first day of spring semester.
But I am not. I can't. I am gloomy. I held my breath as I drove by the University I can no longer claim as mine.
It shouldn't be this way. I should have had everything just planned out. I am still trying to figure out (and in the process breaking my head) where i went wrong in the calculations. I am standing by my theory that they did not match the scholarship they said they would. That is why I am over $1000.00 in debt for the fall semester.
I am tired of explaining it. People keep asking me, did you do this? have you tried this? Did you talk to this person? Can we make a plate sale? what can I do?? Let me know what I can do for you.
Unless you have a thousand dollars just laying around that you can spare, There's nothing you can do. I appreciate their concern and willingness to help but by asking me to do this or have I done that, It really is just a slap in the face. People who know me know I have sacrificed a lot for my education and have gone above and beyond to attend a private university with one of the best bilingual education degrees offered in south Texas. So to ask me is to doubt my desires to be at that school.I also think that since most people don't know how complicated this is they cant fully understand so I wont hold it against them.
I guess im being a scrooge in a way, i have a bitter taste in my mouth.
Again I say, soy una nina caprichosa.
Maybe that's my real problem. I have unreachable goals and expectations for everything and my family has been right all along. I wont ever reach them. Maybe I need to settle. Settle like they do.
My biggest problem there is that I have no Idea how to settle. My inability to do so is what has set me apart from my entire family all this time. I feel like since they have no ambitions, and no desire to be knowledgeable about everything and anything they can, (like me) that I must be extra ambitious and learn as much as i can about anything I can possibly get my hands on. I didn't learn to be ambitious from them. Frankly I dont know where it comes from.
At times I love this about my self but tonight and every night I'm not at OLLU this semester, I will curse it. Curse it because if I wasn't so ambitious it wouldn't hurt this much.
The worse part about it it is the feeling of failure I have of myself. The fact that I couldn't make it happen another semester is torture. But alas, it is what it is and sometimes letting go is the only option.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Chances are...
(I noticed that I used the phrase, "chances are..." in my last post so here it yet some more of that)
So i just need to blurted out... CHANCES ARE ...... I MIGHT NOT BE IN SCHOOL THIS SEMESTER..
There, I said it! so now i wait til i feel better.....
doodoo doo doo doooo dooo doo
nope not helping.
Why can't life just throw me a break. I couldn't come up with the money to pay for my previous balance from last semester and now I don't know what I am to do.
I have thought about asking my family... but with them buying my sister a car and with them complaining Christmas left them broke i'd rather not. Besides, if they really had the money to help me they would offer right? I mean, after all they do know I am in need of it and they even know the amount.. which isn't much but still I am just not able to come up with it.
Why does it all have to revolve around money. Why cant love or kindness make the world go round? why must it be a piece of green paper and some coins???
I guess a lot of it has to do with my choice to go to this private university. Could I really be blamed for wanting the best?
Soy una nina caprichosa! Y cuando quiero algo, me propongo a conseguirlo acomo pueda...
That is when it comes to school.. I am passionate about getting my degree, and taking yet another semester off (this would be my second) would just place me more behind.. I don't want to be an undergrad anymore. I want to join all of those professionals. I want to make a difference in a child's education and life! (I'd like to think that I am already doing that at one of my jobs... I love my kiddos... all 135 of them..) but there nothing like getting there already.
I thought this would help. I have been trying so hard to keep it in all day.. smile at everyone and be jolly and now I cant.
I guess one of the best things I can say about living and being alone is the fact that you can have a breakdown and know that no one will be around to hear you. The worst part is not having anyone tell you that you will be okay..
So i just need to blurted out... CHANCES ARE ...... I MIGHT NOT BE IN SCHOOL THIS SEMESTER..
There, I said it! so now i wait til i feel better.....
doodoo doo doo doooo dooo doo
nope not helping.
Why can't life just throw me a break. I couldn't come up with the money to pay for my previous balance from last semester and now I don't know what I am to do.
I have thought about asking my family... but with them buying my sister a car and with them complaining Christmas left them broke i'd rather not. Besides, if they really had the money to help me they would offer right? I mean, after all they do know I am in need of it and they even know the amount.. which isn't much but still I am just not able to come up with it.
Why does it all have to revolve around money. Why cant love or kindness make the world go round? why must it be a piece of green paper and some coins???
I guess a lot of it has to do with my choice to go to this private university. Could I really be blamed for wanting the best?
Soy una nina caprichosa! Y cuando quiero algo, me propongo a conseguirlo acomo pueda...
That is when it comes to school.. I am passionate about getting my degree, and taking yet another semester off (this would be my second) would just place me more behind.. I don't want to be an undergrad anymore. I want to join all of those professionals. I want to make a difference in a child's education and life! (I'd like to think that I am already doing that at one of my jobs... I love my kiddos... all 135 of them..) but there nothing like getting there already.
I thought this would help. I have been trying so hard to keep it in all day.. smile at everyone and be jolly and now I cant.
I guess one of the best things I can say about living and being alone is the fact that you can have a breakdown and know that no one will be around to hear you. The worst part is not having anyone tell you that you will be okay..
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Lessons 2010 left me with...
Happy New year!!
I have been horrible at keeping a blog thus far. The good news is that I have about 360 days left to make it better.
The Holidays were good. I was able spend it with my family. Nothing really out of the ordinary. It still has not hit me that this is a new year. If your are wondering... I never did find the Christmas Spirit.
I thought of my first blog for this new year to be about resolutions. The more I thought about it the more I realized that no one really goes through with resolutions for a new year.
Instead, I have decided to mention a few of the lessons 2010 taught me. It was quite a year, and although I NO LONGER dwell in the past, I do however, believe that who I am Today, is in fact because of what I have learned in the past. Here are a few of my lessons... read on.
Lesson Learned on FAMILY -
You only got one! They may be different, and their beliefs and thoughts may be worlds away from yours but in the end you are in that family for a reason.
God has blessed me so much. If you are a follower and have read previous posts, you might say I complain a lot about my family, and its true. There have been times where I have been hurt by them, but despite all of that I wouldn't trade them for the world. Things are turning out for the better around my family. I no longer question why they treat me the way they do, I just accept it. I will continue to accept them because God has given me patience and understanding. God will comfort me when I don't understand why they can't accept me and the decisions I have made for myself. God will be my biggest support when I continue my efforts towards school and anything else that may come about.
Lesson Learned on Friendship -
I made so many new friends this year, All the people I interned with are all still considered friends because despite being all over the country, they are still people I can call and talk to for hours on issues that are dear to our hearts. I can call them to meet up even after going months without any communication and pick up right were we left off.
one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that when it comes to being called a friend, it is all about acceptance. I am no one to judge, I am ashamed that I judge a specific individual because their life didn't reflect mine.
Oh also, a word of advice, don't let your friends date your siblings... tee hee hee...especially if you are really good friends. LOL Things can get a bit messy. this is a joke. haha.. i guess i am quiet the matchmaker... unintentionally of course. Someone I befriended in 6th grade is now my sister in law... My BF in second grade dated one of my brothers, it didn't work out.. I don't talk to her anymore. A girl I has so much in common with dated another brother of mine and well shes was also weird with me after things ended with them. It just sucks... cus I don't intervene and I can handle them being with my siblings but when its over its as if they break up with me too. Its inevitable, a friendship is bound to change if family gets involved especially if they date. I am hoping I am wrong because I have another really good friend who is dating my OTHER brother and well the idea that our friendship may be altered if things between them don't work out is kinda of disappointing...and sad. I am however very hopeful.
To the friends you have had for years, applaud them for they have put up with you. LOL Cherish those Friendships and pray that they continue to grow.
LESSON Learned on FAITH -
"god answers prayers in three ways, Yes, No, and Not yet." Keep asking away, eventually your prayers do get answered.
When they do, when he gives you a YES, please give HIM credit, and thank him for his blessings upon you.
God doesn't give us anything we cant handle. Life is hard, being an adult is extremely hard, and sometimes the worse thing one can do is loose faith. If things don't turn out in your favor chances are God have you a "NO". Accept it, don't hold a grudge, and don't be mad at HIM. ask him for understanding and acceptance of his will.
The "not yet" answer is the most ambiguous one of all. It can sadly be mistaken as a "NO". Especially because we as humans are very impatient and want things done when and how we want them. Remember that God doesn't like to be bossed around. Ask for patience and signs to let you know weather it is a NO, or a NOT YET. Don't be in denial. Avoid my mistake and listen to those signs. Don't spend your time, (in my case years!) for something to happen when he gave you "NO" 4 years ago. Chances are He has greater plans for you and it may be something better that you could have asked for. But When he Hands you a "NOT YET" be patient and wait and see what the big hold up was about... chances are its was probably worth it!
Lesson Learned on LOVE, DATING, ETC...
"Love is Friendship on Fire"
"A Bird May Love a Fish, But where Would They Live?"
"If you truly Love someone, Set them free. If they Return, They were always yours, If they don't They never were."
I left this one for last because I wasn't sure if I had learned anything. I did! I DID! LOL
A Shallow guy will always be shallow. Don't answer his calls. and don't take the letters he wrote to you seriously. LOL
Educated guys are SEXY! (yes I used that word! ) But be cautious because some may be arrogant and cocky because of it too. Be wise and befriend them first, if you like what you see, go for the kill! haha..
Don't, by Any means, accept an invite to hang out with someone you have turned down, Chances are they just want to show off and let you know they have someone who gave them what you wouldn't.
Don't waste your time on someone who has made you their second choice. Especially if you know if your heart that you ARE ONE OF A KIND! . No matter how great of a guy you think he is or how you can attest that there are no others like him, deal with it. Don't let him tell your heart you were runner up. A great guy will come one day and the butterflies will return, and the twinkle in your eyes will shine again.
Don't ever confuse a NO for a NOT YET. Don't spend your time, (in my case years!) for something to happen when he gave you "NO" 4 years ago. Chances are He has greater plans for you and it may be something better that you could have asked for. (Yes, you've already read this. under the Lesson Learned on FAITH... it fits under this one too.)
Once again, Happy New year...
I have been horrible at keeping a blog thus far. The good news is that I have about 360 days left to make it better.
The Holidays were good. I was able spend it with my family. Nothing really out of the ordinary. It still has not hit me that this is a new year. If your are wondering... I never did find the Christmas Spirit.
I thought of my first blog for this new year to be about resolutions. The more I thought about it the more I realized that no one really goes through with resolutions for a new year.
Instead, I have decided to mention a few of the lessons 2010 taught me. It was quite a year, and although I NO LONGER dwell in the past, I do however, believe that who I am Today, is in fact because of what I have learned in the past. Here are a few of my lessons... read on.
Lesson Learned on FAMILY -
You only got one! They may be different, and their beliefs and thoughts may be worlds away from yours but in the end you are in that family for a reason.
God has blessed me so much. If you are a follower and have read previous posts, you might say I complain a lot about my family, and its true. There have been times where I have been hurt by them, but despite all of that I wouldn't trade them for the world. Things are turning out for the better around my family. I no longer question why they treat me the way they do, I just accept it. I will continue to accept them because God has given me patience and understanding. God will comfort me when I don't understand why they can't accept me and the decisions I have made for myself. God will be my biggest support when I continue my efforts towards school and anything else that may come about.
Lesson Learned on Friendship -
one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that when it comes to being called a friend, it is all about acceptance. I am no one to judge, I am ashamed that I judge a specific individual because their life didn't reflect mine.
Oh also, a word of advice, don't let your friends date your siblings... tee hee hee...especially if you are really good friends. LOL Things can get a bit messy. this is a joke. haha.. i guess i am quiet the matchmaker... unintentionally of course. Someone I befriended in 6th grade is now my sister in law... My BF in second grade dated one of my brothers, it didn't work out.. I don't talk to her anymore. A girl I has so much in common with dated another brother of mine and well shes was also weird with me after things ended with them. It just sucks... cus I don't intervene and I can handle them being with my siblings but when its over its as if they break up with me too. Its inevitable, a friendship is bound to change if family gets involved especially if they date. I am hoping I am wrong because I have another really good friend who is dating my OTHER brother and well the idea that our friendship may be altered if things between them don't work out is kinda of disappointing...and sad. I am however very hopeful.
To the friends you have had for years, applaud them for they have put up with you. LOL Cherish those Friendships and pray that they continue to grow.
LESSON Learned on FAITH -
"god answers prayers in three ways, Yes, No, and Not yet." Keep asking away, eventually your prayers do get answered.
When they do, when he gives you a YES, please give HIM credit, and thank him for his blessings upon you.
God doesn't give us anything we cant handle. Life is hard, being an adult is extremely hard, and sometimes the worse thing one can do is loose faith. If things don't turn out in your favor chances are God have you a "NO". Accept it, don't hold a grudge, and don't be mad at HIM. ask him for understanding and acceptance of his will.
The "not yet" answer is the most ambiguous one of all. It can sadly be mistaken as a "NO". Especially because we as humans are very impatient and want things done when and how we want them. Remember that God doesn't like to be bossed around. Ask for patience and signs to let you know weather it is a NO, or a NOT YET. Don't be in denial. Avoid my mistake and listen to those signs. Don't spend your time, (in my case years!) for something to happen when he gave you "NO" 4 years ago. Chances are He has greater plans for you and it may be something better that you could have asked for. But When he Hands you a "NOT YET" be patient and wait and see what the big hold up was about... chances are its was probably worth it!
Lesson Learned on LOVE, DATING, ETC...
"Love is Friendship on Fire"
"A Bird May Love a Fish, But where Would They Live?"
"If you truly Love someone, Set them free. If they Return, They were always yours, If they don't They never were."
A Shallow guy will always be shallow. Don't answer his calls. and don't take the letters he wrote to you seriously. LOL
Educated guys are SEXY! (yes I used that word! ) But be cautious because some may be arrogant and cocky because of it too. Be wise and befriend them first, if you like what you see, go for the kill! haha..
Don't, by Any means, accept an invite to hang out with someone you have turned down, Chances are they just want to show off and let you know they have someone who gave them what you wouldn't.
Don't waste your time on someone who has made you their second choice. Especially if you know if your heart that you ARE ONE OF A KIND! . No matter how great of a guy you think he is or how you can attest that there are no others like him, deal with it. Don't let him tell your heart you were runner up. A great guy will come one day and the butterflies will return, and the twinkle in your eyes will shine again.
Don't ever confuse a NO for a NOT YET. Don't spend your time, (in my case years!) for something to happen when he gave you "NO" 4 years ago. Chances are He has greater plans for you and it may be something better that you could have asked for. (Yes, you've already read this. under the Lesson Learned on FAITH... it fits under this one too.)
Once again, Happy New year...
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