Today was very productive. I woke up kinda late, I watched some TV while I knitted away, and I decided to rearrange my bedroom.
Ive neglected my bedroom lately.. LOL it was desperately crying for some attention.Kinda took a break and went to the gym earlier but I came back, showered and was pumped! haha.. Full of energy and i went back to cleaning.
I rearranged some furniture and I kinda like it! Ive dusted my small space I call home and now im just waiting for a friend to come over for a movie... or two.
I had posted a blog about wanting to see some movies, click here to see the movies i had in mind.
I had to blog this because I hardly ever get to cross out movies off my list.
Tonight I will watch SALT and EASY A!
Woo hoo..
Enjoy your night
got to run and make myself cozy!
Monday, December 27, 2010
searching for answers....
Alcohol.
I remember feeling the effects of it. I remember turning to to it about three years ago or so. LOL I still remember not feeling anything. The heartache, the confusion, it made it feel surreal and almost like it never happened to me. I guess that's why so many people turn to it. With alcohol even rejection is bearable.
Never have I turned to it again,at least not in that way. I'm more of a social drinker now. I am able to enjoy a drink while hanging out with friends. The thought of feeling nothing again is kind of scary. Even if all of my senses were not in tact then, I still knew that I would prefer to feel it all as opposed to feeling empty;to feel nothing. The unpleasant feel was all i had, and although it brought heartache it in fact was something. It was then that i realized that id rather feel something, that I'd rather take what I had, than to feel nothing at all.
This should have given me an idea of what the years to come would be like.
Do you ever search for answers only to find them sitting on your lap? It's hard to accept them, heck its hard to see them when you are blinded by childish dreams, and fairy tale endings.
I guess its time to let go. IF its time to let go, why does it feel so wrong to do so? I think that the only reason why i am now able to bear more of it is because of the power of prayer. My faith has grown so much in the past year and I know that this is a major part of why I am now FINALLY, after all this time, willing to go against my wishes and ignore the fact that it feel so wrong to let go. God is probably sick and tired of my pleas that he is finally doing something to shut me up... lol.
I am done trying to read the signs. I am trying to hard and end up over analyzing every detail and in the end i end up with false hope.
Reality is that a girl like me is not bound to get everything she hopes and dreams for. At times my education seems like its the only dream that will come true. This is probably because it is the one thing I have more control of. I know God has given me the strength to hold two jobs and take 18 hours and be successful. Although this may not be the case in the coming semesters, he has carried me this whole time. I am eternally grateful for all that he has blessed me with and will continue to do my best to push on and move forward. I no longer envy those who have their parents support, I no longer envy those who have no financial issues to worry about, And I no longer feel alone. He is with me. I cant see him and I cant physically feel him but I know he is there.
I only wish to continue to grow with and alongside of him. He has many plans for me, I know. I have to be willing to accept the life he has for me and be content with it. I pray that i find happiness in what ever my life is to be.
I remember feeling the effects of it. I remember turning to to it about three years ago or so. LOL I still remember not feeling anything. The heartache, the confusion, it made it feel surreal and almost like it never happened to me. I guess that's why so many people turn to it. With alcohol even rejection is bearable.
Never have I turned to it again,at least not in that way. I'm more of a social drinker now. I am able to enjoy a drink while hanging out with friends. The thought of feeling nothing again is kind of scary. Even if all of my senses were not in tact then, I still knew that I would prefer to feel it all as opposed to feeling empty;to feel nothing. The unpleasant feel was all i had, and although it brought heartache it in fact was something. It was then that i realized that id rather feel something, that I'd rather take what I had, than to feel nothing at all.
This should have given me an idea of what the years to come would be like.
Do you ever search for answers only to find them sitting on your lap? It's hard to accept them, heck its hard to see them when you are blinded by childish dreams, and fairy tale endings.
I guess its time to let go. IF its time to let go, why does it feel so wrong to do so? I think that the only reason why i am now able to bear more of it is because of the power of prayer. My faith has grown so much in the past year and I know that this is a major part of why I am now FINALLY, after all this time, willing to go against my wishes and ignore the fact that it feel so wrong to let go. God is probably sick and tired of my pleas that he is finally doing something to shut me up... lol.
I am done trying to read the signs. I am trying to hard and end up over analyzing every detail and in the end i end up with false hope.
Reality is that a girl like me is not bound to get everything she hopes and dreams for. At times my education seems like its the only dream that will come true. This is probably because it is the one thing I have more control of. I know God has given me the strength to hold two jobs and take 18 hours and be successful. Although this may not be the case in the coming semesters, he has carried me this whole time. I am eternally grateful for all that he has blessed me with and will continue to do my best to push on and move forward. I no longer envy those who have their parents support, I no longer envy those who have no financial issues to worry about, And I no longer feel alone. He is with me. I cant see him and I cant physically feel him but I know he is there.
I only wish to continue to grow with and alongside of him. He has many plans for me, I know. I have to be willing to accept the life he has for me and be content with it. I pray that i find happiness in what ever my life is to be.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas Wrap up.
I am finally home in my cozy apartment. Cozy because I can finally be in my pajamas. I wish it were warmer in here. I really need to see about getting a heater in here. Because the winters don't usually last this long here in Texas, all you really need to survive is an AC. I have that, But right now I really did wish I had a heater.
We were finally able to make the cookies and cupcakes after many trips to the store. (my SIL was so un prepared this year)
I later got ready and headed to my parents home for our traditional "Acostada"
There was chaos as usual. My mom left to go pray at another house and it just threw everyone off. People she had invited showed up and no one knew what to do. I fed them, that bought us some time. After small talk to people I don't really know, I too started to get impatient. I finally decided to drop the "host" title when they started asking me where my boyfriend was, and when was I thinking of settling down.
Only then did I realize that I was the only one who didn't have a significant other whom people knew about. Which might have imposed the question about me bringing any one over for Christmas. I don't know that I would bring anyone over even if I did have someone. LOL
I think I would be more than likely to spend it with him, considering things were serious. My family wouldn't approve, and would have a field day if this were to happen. Funny part is that they expect my brothers girlfriends and wives to join in on our traditions and could care less about the traditions their families have. Their justification is that in their eyes and how they grew up, a woman is supposed to always follow her husband. I almost can't wait to do that. I love trying (emphasis on the word "trying") to reason with them. It never works. LOL
All in all, Christmas went well. We had fun playing the white elephant and just seeing the little ones enjoy their gifts.
I hope your christmas was as great as mine, if not better!
2011, Come on, I am ready.
got to go, my double chocolate brownies are done!
We were finally able to make the cookies and cupcakes after many trips to the store. (my SIL was so un prepared this year)
There was chaos as usual. My mom left to go pray at another house and it just threw everyone off. People she had invited showed up and no one knew what to do. I fed them, that bought us some time. After small talk to people I don't really know, I too started to get impatient. I finally decided to drop the "host" title when they started asking me where my boyfriend was, and when was I thinking of settling down.
Only then did I realize that I was the only one who didn't have a significant other whom people knew about. Which might have imposed the question about me bringing any one over for Christmas. I don't know that I would bring anyone over even if I did have someone. LOL
I think I would be more than likely to spend it with him, considering things were serious. My family wouldn't approve, and would have a field day if this were to happen. Funny part is that they expect my brothers girlfriends and wives to join in on our traditions and could care less about the traditions their families have. Their justification is that in their eyes and how they grew up, a woman is supposed to always follow her husband. I almost can't wait to do that. I love trying (emphasis on the word "trying") to reason with them. It never works. LOL
All in all, Christmas went well. We had fun playing the white elephant and just seeing the little ones enjoy their gifts.
I hope your christmas was as great as mine, if not better!
2011, Come on, I am ready.
got to go, my double chocolate brownies are done!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Where are you Christmas?
Seriously, I don't know why but I am not much in the Christmas spirit like i have been in the past. I have been listening to Christmas music even when I am working out. I have also indulged in Christmas movies, and nothing. I thought It would kick in today since I had made plans to bake cookies and other baked goods for the big day. That was a fail! It didn't happen and now I'll never know if that would've made a difference.
Maybe If I had decorated my apt with christmas lights, a Christmas tree, some jingle bells and that mistletoe I was gifted. lol.
I highly doubt any of that stuff would've made me get into the spirit of Christmas.
(Although I am planning on going to shop for a Christmas tree, a small one, after Christmas day. Stores usually have them up to 75% off the original price then. LOL im a sucker for a good bargain)
Looking forward to spending time with my family. I wonder why everyone is asking me if I am taking anyone over for Christmas. What kind of question is that? LOL
I should be used to this by now, but they are family. No matter how loud, crazy and temperamental they can be.. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.
Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo.
May your holiday season be full of blessings and joy.
Maybe If I had decorated my apt with christmas lights, a Christmas tree, some jingle bells and that mistletoe I was gifted. lol.
I highly doubt any of that stuff would've made me get into the spirit of Christmas.
(Although I am planning on going to shop for a Christmas tree, a small one, after Christmas day. Stores usually have them up to 75% off the original price then. LOL im a sucker for a good bargain)
Looking forward to spending time with my family. I wonder why everyone is asking me if I am taking anyone over for Christmas. What kind of question is that? LOL
I should be used to this by now, but they are family. No matter how loud, crazy and temperamental they can be.. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.
Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo.
May your holiday season be full of blessings and joy.
Punishment, peaceful jog, Tamales
after doing much of anything, I made my way to work to drop off paperwork.
Since I was already in the neighborhood I dropped by my parents house only to scold my little brother.
He is currently under punishment. Although by my standards, its not a punishment. His last progess report contained 2 D's, 1 B, and 4 A's. There is no excuse for the D's if he has 4 A's. He hates reading and writing, and hes failing language arts and science.
I paid a visit to his science teacher on Friday. My little brother thought I was bluffing when I told him I would be there to speak to his teachers.
We got the science D cleared up. Turns out there is another boy in the same class period, who has my brothers name. First and last. They even sit at the same table. For some reason the teacher was being careless when entering grades and got the two mixed up.
He was supposed to collect missed work from his LA teacher and when he failed to do this. I got on his case. So as a consequence, for the break he has to read for at least an hour a day and practice his instrument at least 30 minutes EVERYDAY.
Its hard. I have to be on him, and it would be so much easier if i lived with him, but since I don't I have to find ways to make sure this is done daily. hes been doing good. Today, he grumbled at me some. He was outside playing football with the other kids in the neighborhood and basically embarrassed him a bit. It was past 6:30 pm and he still hadn't practice his instrument.
My mom then makes a request. That I come by to make sure he is doing what I asked him to do. I was doing well at not meddling in on how they discipline the boys. This was for many reasons, but mostly it was because, ED made me realize that even though I may feel the need to lecture them and be on top of their studies, it is really not my place to do any of it. It made sense then, especially because I was having a hard time finding time to make sure they were ok.
After I saw his progress report, i realized that although ed was right, I couldn't do it. I couldn't just ignore it. Kinda makes me feel special that he feared showing me his grades. He knew too well what was coming, and he was a nervous wreck the day I went to his school.
I hope one day he realizes why I am hard on him.
After dealing that, I drove to a lake/park nearby. I took my headphones out and jogged to Pandora via my cell. Christmas station.
There is something about jogging and listening to music that just lets me feel at ease. I tend to do a lot of thinking. My thoughts today trailed to the prayer I have made for 2 years. I feel like I am finally getting it answered.
I started realizing that Its going to be very hard to just let go. Pushing away from the thing you want the most is by far the hardest thing I have dealt with. It's like seeing a toy you want really bad... and then finding out you're not getting it.
All I can ask now is for God to just send understanding, and for my heart to heal quickly. I don't wish to find anyone to mend it. I just want to be okay. I want to finish my degree.. maybe do some missionary work, then grad school and see where God takes me.
after my jog.. i felt a little sad, sad to realize that I am finally beginning to be okay with letting go, couldn't really dwell on that because after a shower...I made tamales!!!
just call me the tamale making machine. :D
Since I was already in the neighborhood I dropped by my parents house only to scold my little brother.
He is currently under punishment. Although by my standards, its not a punishment. His last progess report contained 2 D's, 1 B, and 4 A's. There is no excuse for the D's if he has 4 A's. He hates reading and writing, and hes failing language arts and science.
I paid a visit to his science teacher on Friday. My little brother thought I was bluffing when I told him I would be there to speak to his teachers.
We got the science D cleared up. Turns out there is another boy in the same class period, who has my brothers name. First and last. They even sit at the same table. For some reason the teacher was being careless when entering grades and got the two mixed up.
He was supposed to collect missed work from his LA teacher and when he failed to do this. I got on his case. So as a consequence, for the break he has to read for at least an hour a day and practice his instrument at least 30 minutes EVERYDAY.
Its hard. I have to be on him, and it would be so much easier if i lived with him, but since I don't I have to find ways to make sure this is done daily. hes been doing good. Today, he grumbled at me some. He was outside playing football with the other kids in the neighborhood and basically embarrassed him a bit. It was past 6:30 pm and he still hadn't practice his instrument.
My mom then makes a request. That I come by to make sure he is doing what I asked him to do. I was doing well at not meddling in on how they discipline the boys. This was for many reasons, but mostly it was because, ED made me realize that even though I may feel the need to lecture them and be on top of their studies, it is really not my place to do any of it. It made sense then, especially because I was having a hard time finding time to make sure they were ok.
After I saw his progress report, i realized that although ed was right, I couldn't do it. I couldn't just ignore it. Kinda makes me feel special that he feared showing me his grades. He knew too well what was coming, and he was a nervous wreck the day I went to his school.
I hope one day he realizes why I am hard on him.
After dealing that, I drove to a lake/park nearby. I took my headphones out and jogged to Pandora via my cell. Christmas station.
There is something about jogging and listening to music that just lets me feel at ease. I tend to do a lot of thinking. My thoughts today trailed to the prayer I have made for 2 years. I feel like I am finally getting it answered.
I started realizing that Its going to be very hard to just let go. Pushing away from the thing you want the most is by far the hardest thing I have dealt with. It's like seeing a toy you want really bad... and then finding out you're not getting it.
All I can ask now is for God to just send understanding, and for my heart to heal quickly. I don't wish to find anyone to mend it. I just want to be okay. I want to finish my degree.. maybe do some missionary work, then grad school and see where God takes me.
after my jog.. i felt a little sad, sad to realize that I am finally beginning to be okay with letting go, couldn't really dwell on that because after a shower...I made tamales!!!
just call me the tamale making machine. :D
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Itinerary for the day..
So I woke up late... shoot me.. lol
And now I'm taking a break from doing this...
to this.... My trusted BFF. at least on most days....
I wanted to do so much today.. but I dont know if I will get anything done. I planned on posting up a daily post during this break from work and school. so this is mine. I have nothing special to talk about.
My knitting? lol ( you may stop reading right now... i wont take offense by it.) Well the scarf I am currently working on is for a friend. She gave me the yarn about a year ago and i am just making it. It wasn't and urgent thing. Sometimes I wish i knitted faster. If I could then I might consider knitting all year round and sell my work.People whom I have given scarfs to always tell me. I have also made scarfs for others I don't know. Making extra money know would be great. (which reminds me I have to pay of my tuition balance so that my spring classes dont get dropped.. EEK! ) sigh.
I guess, if I have given you a scarf (its the only thing I can knit now, but I am considering learning how to crochet other things.) you should feel pretty special. It means I have thought of you as a great friend and have invested at least 5 hours into kitting you something you cant buy at a store and something no one has. :D
I guess this is it. I want to make some progress on this scarf because i have two others that I need to get done. I also need to to make a trip to the bank and maybe and I have to go to check on my little brother who is expected to read at least an hour and practice his instrument daily.
Back to watching "Anna and the King" while i knit away.
happy Tuesday.
And now I'm taking a break from doing this...
My knitting? lol ( you may stop reading right now... i wont take offense by it.) Well the scarf I am currently working on is for a friend. She gave me the yarn about a year ago and i am just making it. It wasn't and urgent thing. Sometimes I wish i knitted faster. If I could then I might consider knitting all year round and sell my work.People whom I have given scarfs to always tell me. I have also made scarfs for others I don't know. Making extra money know would be great. (which reminds me I have to pay of my tuition balance so that my spring classes dont get dropped.. EEK! ) sigh.
I guess, if I have given you a scarf (its the only thing I can knit now, but I am considering learning how to crochet other things.) you should feel pretty special. It means I have thought of you as a great friend and have invested at least 5 hours into kitting you something you cant buy at a store and something no one has. :D
I guess this is it. I want to make some progress on this scarf because i have two others that I need to get done. I also need to to make a trip to the bank and maybe and I have to go to check on my little brother who is expected to read at least an hour and practice his instrument daily.
Back to watching "Anna and the King" while i knit away.
happy Tuesday.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Dear Staff...
So to vent out my frustration about the staff I work with at one of my jobs, I've jotted down some of my pet peeves that if I had the power to confront them with , I would. ( I am a site facilitator, I oversee 4 staff members and an average of 125 kids daily at an after school program, and might I add we are restricted to using only the cafeteria on most day.s you do the math....)
Dear #1,
Must I remind you, of the age group you oversee? Keep your dirty comments to yourself. Also, yes, I know.. child 1 is infested with lice, you've only mentioned it 50 times in the past week! I've addressed it. Please don't repeat it in front of other children much less parents. please be more attentive, your kiddos tend to do as they please during homework time. I am also bothered by the fact that I've told you several times to make sure you can see ALL of your kiddos when playing outside at all times... please work on this. Clearly you can see why I stress this so.
oh
Dear #2,
Reconsider ever working with kids. I know you didn't have any , and i also know that you didn't take this job seeking to be around children. To you this is just job number 3. Please reflect on the fact that the little ones you look after, are sweet kids. Most of them are great. What is it with the little boys? why are you so mean to them. I wish you could see yourself when you are talking to them, maybe you'd see what i see, ant that might change you. I also wish you'd understand that little Chubbs is going through a lot of issues.You would know if you got to know him a bit. HE is a bright boy who needs a lot of attention and will try anything to get it. You yelling at him the minute he walks in the door does nothing to help the situation. Please note that he has improved. Put your pride aside and admit that i am right, he is trying very hard to be a good boy.
Dear #3,
I don't like the fact that it seems like I look after your group and that I am doing everything you are supposed to be doing just because you say the kids don't listen to you. Grow some back bone! I loathe when you tadle-tale on kids you do it more than they do . . I'd really like to know how two boys can start a fight,while you are inches away from them. I also still don't know how you can go on denying that you offended a students grandmother by justifying an educators inappropriate behavior towards that student. Oh and you need to not hold grudges on these kids. One day they may love you, and the next they say they hate you, deal with it and don't take anything personal, oh one last thing... please don't interrupt me when I am speaking to a parent just to tell me you are leaving, or going to the restroom, or to ask me if I could blow the whistle so that the kids can settle down.
Dear #4,
I'd really like to tell you to watch what you say to these kids. There are different way to handle certain things that wont make half of your group cry (day of the dead). Also, try to eliminate words like stupid and mojado from your vocabulary. And please, please accept the fact that some boys don't mean anything when they just sit and choose not to participate in the discussions you hold in the group. This is not a reason to send them out of the room. be more physically active when watching the kids on the playground, and don't cut their playtime just because it is too hot or too cold for you. I'd also would like a heads up when you are calling in. I know that you notify our superiors but sometimes they forget to let me know and since I run this site, id really appreciate it. You should understand how hectic it can be, especially because you used to run this site in the past.
Sincerely,
Miss Rodriguez.
Dear #1,
Must I remind you, of the age group you oversee? Keep your dirty comments to yourself. Also, yes, I know.. child 1 is infested with lice, you've only mentioned it 50 times in the past week! I've addressed it. Please don't repeat it in front of other children much less parents. please be more attentive, your kiddos tend to do as they please during homework time. I am also bothered by the fact that I've told you several times to make sure you can see ALL of your kiddos when playing outside at all times... please work on this. Clearly you can see why I stress this so.
oh
Dear #2,
Reconsider ever working with kids. I know you didn't have any , and i also know that you didn't take this job seeking to be around children. To you this is just job number 3. Please reflect on the fact that the little ones you look after, are sweet kids. Most of them are great. What is it with the little boys? why are you so mean to them. I wish you could see yourself when you are talking to them, maybe you'd see what i see, ant that might change you. I also wish you'd understand that little Chubbs is going through a lot of issues.You would know if you got to know him a bit. HE is a bright boy who needs a lot of attention and will try anything to get it. You yelling at him the minute he walks in the door does nothing to help the situation. Please note that he has improved. Put your pride aside and admit that i am right, he is trying very hard to be a good boy.
Dear #3,
I don't like the fact that it seems like I look after your group and that I am doing everything you are supposed to be doing just because you say the kids don't listen to you. Grow some back bone! I loathe when you tadle-tale on kids you do it more than they do . . I'd really like to know how two boys can start a fight,while you are inches away from them. I also still don't know how you can go on denying that you offended a students grandmother by justifying an educators inappropriate behavior towards that student. Oh and you need to not hold grudges on these kids. One day they may love you, and the next they say they hate you, deal with it and don't take anything personal, oh one last thing... please don't interrupt me when I am speaking to a parent just to tell me you are leaving, or going to the restroom, or to ask me if I could blow the whistle so that the kids can settle down.
Dear #4,
I'd really like to tell you to watch what you say to these kids. There are different way to handle certain things that wont make half of your group cry (day of the dead). Also, try to eliminate words like stupid and mojado from your vocabulary. And please, please accept the fact that some boys don't mean anything when they just sit and choose not to participate in the discussions you hold in the group. This is not a reason to send them out of the room. be more physically active when watching the kids on the playground, and don't cut their playtime just because it is too hot or too cold for you. I'd also would like a heads up when you are calling in. I know that you notify our superiors but sometimes they forget to let me know and since I run this site, id really appreciate it. You should understand how hectic it can be, especially because you used to run this site in the past.
Sincerely,
Miss Rodriguez.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Almost but not quite ....
I was so glad that ALL of your family was able to be there for you!
My experience at the ceremony was interesting. LOL I ended up getting all emotional because I knew how much this meant to you!
Also, because it made me realize what I will be missing. If you call from a previous post, I will not be walking the stage when I graduate. I figured that if I put it in my head, that I didn't want to walk the stage I wouldn't do it and that I would be fine with it. As I sat there, hearing the speakers, witnessing the graduates walk the stage, and the joy and celebrations afterward, I realized how much I do want it despite my constant denial of it.
Sad to say that it wasn't enough to convince me to decide to walk the stage when that day comes. Al most but not quite. Although that is what I think today, tomorrow I may change my mind. If I do walk, then I'll probably do it alone. No invites, no announcements, nada. My friends tell me that they would be there. No offense but no thanks. My family means the world to me. I'd be more hurt to see my friends there than my family.
Maybe that is what I need to work on. I need to emotionally detached myself from them. I fear that if this occurs, then who can I call family? If only they hadn't raised me to believe that in the end Family is all you got. OR if only i thought and saw the world like they see it. Maybe I wouldn't be fretting with this today. If this would've have been the case then I would be a totally different person. So I would just conform to life the way they have. There is nothing wrong with conforming in my opinion, but you also have to be accepting of others if they choose NOT to conform, especially if they are family. That's it, that is all I am asking, for support and understanding of my dreams and ambitions. Am I making any sense?
Happy Sunday! Finals 1 will be over and done with my the end of today.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sweet niblets!
WOO HOO!
I am a bit COLD! I really need a heater in here. I am tempted to turn n my stove and let the place warm up with the oven. Its an electrical stove so, I wouldn't be inhaling toxic fumes but I wonder if there are any other issues.
doot doot doot. I know I have a blog pending... and its in the works, but still unfinished.
ok.. time for reading...
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