searching for answers....

Alcohol.

I remember feeling the effects of it. I remember turning to to it about three years ago or so. LOL I still remember not feeling anything. The heartache, the confusion, it made it feel surreal and almost like it never happened to me. I guess that's why so many people turn to it. With alcohol even rejection is bearable.

Never have I turned to it again,at least not in that way.  I'm more of a social drinker now. I am able to enjoy a drink while hanging out with friends. The thought of  feeling nothing again is kind of scary. Even if all of my senses were not in tact then, I still knew that I would prefer to feel it all as opposed to feeling empty;to feel nothing. The unpleasant feel was all i had, and although it brought heartache it in fact was something. It was then that i realized that id rather feel something, that I'd rather take what I had, than to feel nothing at all.

This should have given me an idea of what the years to come would be like.

Do you ever search for answers only to find them sitting on your lap? It's hard to accept them, heck its hard to see them when you are blinded by childish dreams, and fairy tale endings.

I guess its time to let go. IF its time to let go, why does it feel so wrong to do so? I think that the only reason why i am now able to bear more of it is because of the power of prayer. My faith has grown so much in the past year and I know that this is a major part of why I am now FINALLY, after all this time, willing to go against my wishes and ignore the fact that it feel so wrong to let go. God is probably sick and tired of my pleas that he is finally doing something to shut me up... lol.

I am done trying to read the signs. I am trying to hard and end up over analyzing every detail and in the end i end up with false hope.

Reality is that a girl like me is not bound to get everything she hopes and dreams for. At times my education seems like its the only dream that will come true. This is probably because it is the one thing I have more control of. I know God has given me the strength to hold two jobs and take 18 hours  and be successful. Although this may not be the case in the coming semesters, he has carried me this whole time. I am eternally grateful for all that he has blessed me with and will continue to do my best to push on and move forward. I no longer envy those who have their parents support, I no longer envy those who have no financial issues to worry about, And I no longer feel alone. He is with me. I cant see him and I cant physically feel him but I know he is there.

I only wish to continue to grow with  and alongside of him. He has many plans for me, I know. I have to be willing to accept the life he has for me and be content with it. I pray that i find happiness in what ever my life is to be.