Where did MAY go?

Really quick post.

I had told myself that I would make the time to write on here after school was out.. and well I have failed. May will leave and this will be one of a whoping three blogs for this month.

oh well.....

I'm still trying to catch up on sleep from last semester.. and I feel more exhausted now during the day than when school was in session.. GO FIGURE!!! I have my theories on this matter....


MOVING on....

I am currently annoyed at certain people.. Superman being one of them... Grr..... and don't even get me started on CS.

CS is not worth mentioning.... does that pretty much give you an idea how much of an annoyance he is to my life at the moment?? I hope it does... JERK!


Superman... I cant really be mad at the guy... my annoyance with him is in reality just annoyance with my self at how I react to him. blah! that book on the Ruling planets probably made this much more ... whats the word??? complicated??? no its not complicated... umm I guess it just made it more difficult to understand.....

It bugs me that these guys call me.. what bugs me more is that I care to Answer!!!! I shouldn't answer... and I almost didn't answer superman's call last night but for somereason I did..

Hes mourning a loved one, so I'm glad I was there. I wished I'd known about this and I would have made a point to include his family in my prayers but ahh! why must he call me to complain about his selfish, unappreciative, cold-hearted girlfriend?!?!

I guess it bugged me because I heard it in his voice... he just wanted to get his mind off of what he was going through and this "girl" didnt want to waste GAS to come see him??!

what am i supposed to say to the guy???

but there goes tere... the dummy... answering phone calls she shouldn't... and trying to make things better, trying to convince him that she's good for him... and that he needs to work at communicating his feelings so that it may workout...

I just have to stop this nonsense... stand my ground... and let him deal with things on his own right?

right?!

you know.. if I could just get the answer to one thing... it would be, WHY and WHAT?
WHAT comes into their head the minute THEY decided to call me? and WHY me??? what is it that makes them dial my number or send a text my way...

is it what BV said.... The more and more I think about his words the more I am starting to believe them...

BV is a very good friend of mine. (although hes far away and living a full life, about to become a father) He's always made see reality sometimes hes the only one that has been able to tell me the truth even though it hurts. He once told me that men, when they are down in the slumps, when someone has hurt them, their ego, their self-esteem, they tend to look for that one thing, that one person who made them feel good inside... could this be?? HArd to imagince that I would make anyone feel like that... but its a good answer, its also the ONLY answer that makes sense, even if i dont believe it. He also reminded me that i cant get my hopes up... not that I would with these guys... its impossible due to certain circumstances... that just because they were reaching out to me didn't mean they'd want me. He told me they would "USE" me to get their confidence back.. to feel on top of the world again and more than likely I would be left again...

You know why I believe the guy? cus he said he'd done it. what a jerk eh? But you know.. it takes a lot for a guy to confess such things, to realize something of that magnitude takes a lot of courage... and to open up about it is just well down right admirable.


enough of this crap! jaja

Thoughts on Graduation...

Getting on Facebook and seeing friends of mine (most from out of state) post their graduation pictures makes feel like im soo behind. To be completely honest I am. I wasnt expecting to still be working on my BA. God knows it hasnt been easy and I am aware that the next 2 semester *crosses fingers* wont be a walk in the park.

I dont mean to be nosy... but i love looking at those pictures of thier families and friends at graduation. I think a lot of it has to do with my decision to not walk the stage once I do finish. Dont get me wrong, I would love to walk the stage and be part of the ceremony, in fact for the longest time ive imagined how that day would be like.

But I have realized that if i cant even share how well of a semseter I had with my family, I cant expect much of my graduation annoucement. And its not that I cant share it with them because i cant but the hurt at not getting any acknowledgement at all, is just somehting I am not willing to go through.

i dont want a party, i dont want them to brag to people.. I would just want them to at least say "que bueno, me alegro." is that too much to ask?

I busted my butt off for two whole semesters and I am still going at it trying to pay off tuition and not once did I go to them and ask them for financial help. I could have because God knows there were many times i was really struggling. I know that they may not have the means to help me out with a lot but if they managed to collect X amount of money for the purchase of a vehicle or throw parties every other weekend i was sure they would've had the means to help me out.

Back in 2006 when i started school.. it was all about them. I was doing this for all of my family. My older siblings who didnt have the oppourtunity to go to college, for my younger siblings, so as to set the example I never had, and for my parents, my mother especially, so she wouldnt have to work anymore.... as the years have come and gone the reasons have ceased to be about them. i know it sounds evil you might even sense bitterness in that, but thats not entirely true. like i said.. at first it was all about them..and now im finding that the reasons for just working so hard at this is mostly about me. I'm still doing this for my little brothers, my nephew too, and When i do have my carreer i plan to help my parents out financially as much as I can, but I am first going to take care of myself.

Ive worked too hard, and Ive been my OWN cheerleader when things get tough... Ive been the one to comfort myself when im too stressed out or just simply want to give up.

So as much as Id like to walk the stage, If i do, it will only be for me. When it comes to my family i can predict that I will probably have to ASK them if they'd like to come and I dont know about you but i dont think I should be asking them, they should be wanting, willing, or maybe even anticipating the date to arrive. I am sure that there will be some wedding, a quinceanera, a random party, that will compete with my graduation ceremony and if i know my family they will probably "think" about which one to go to... they will probably end up going to my ceremony, but deep down they would wnat to be elsewhere because why else would they debate on what event to go to. I dont need nor want them to be there unless I knew that they would drop whatever it is that they were doing to just see me walk that stage.

I know that i have to endure at least 2 more long, stressful, semesters before i have to worry about graduations but as of now, my decision stands. maybe ill save my experience for when I receive my MA, maybe by then ill be married and my husband will surely support and know how much ive waited to have some one sincerely be there on my side of the court cheering me on......


lol...

old friends are hard to boot.

I have been reflecting lately on how my life, my world and all its complications came to be. Ive started reflecting on the friendships i have made, kept and are willing to keep working on.

Just recently, CS went on a mens ACTS retreat. I have known CS since middle school. CS is a very nice guy. During high school I came to know who he was. He was so sweet to me. My fondest memory of him was the countless time where he would tell me not to worry about how I would pay for school. HEd say he had it all planned out. Wed graduate, hed join the marines and would then pay for my schooling.

There were many problems. One being that HE had a girlfriend. Another, which is possibly the most important one was that my heart was stuck on someone.

I had the guy for most of my classes. This didn't change through out our years in high school. What did change was the many girlfriends he had. Yet, no matter who he was involved with, he'd always come and tell me that we would get married. I'd laugh and go along with the charades. Needless to say, most of his girlfriends were not necessarily found of me.I dont blame them, not because I'm being arrogant or stuck up- but because I would have mind it if i was in their shoes.

We stayed in touch, mostly because the night of Senior Banquet, when I was significantly noticed by both of his parents and made quiet the impression. I remember him taking me over his table to meet them, and literally introducing me as a good friend. I was polite and shook their hand and after wards his parents expressed how dumb CS was for not dating me. We took pictures with his mom. Ever since then, the few times that I have bumped into his mom, she makes me feel so loved. She's never gone without reminding me in a joking matter that I would be perfect for CS. Sometimes it scares me because over the last year, this no longer seems like a joking matter. But theres still issues there.. like CS having a gf and my heart STILL trying to find a way to let go and move on.

To my surprise, CS's mom was on the Women's retreat I attended last. It had been such a long time since I had seen her. I hadnt heard from CS either. After my year at TX STATE I came back and attended SAC and there he was. He was dating someone else and again, I wasn't very liked by his current girlfriend. I wasn't too fond of her either. She was always causing a scene. DRAMA. So I stayed away. Like i always have, out of respect. CS called me a bad friend for not being able to get along with her.It wasn't that I didn't get along, he just didn't get that I wasn't comfortable with people I knew weren't comfortable with me. who would? He would invite me to places where she would be and i would quickly turn him down.

Every time they would have an argument or fight where I was the subject, CS would tell me about it. I hated to be a reason why he was having problems with her. I hated that he felt like he had to choose, my friendship over his relationship. Girls are evil. It didn't matter how much he would explain to her that I was just a friend, she never trusted him. So I did what i thought was necessary. I distanced myself from him. I let go of this friendship even though He really was a good friend to me. I let go because obviously he cared for a girl bad enough to be in a relationship with her and I didn't want the guilt over me of being a reason for argument among them.

He was hurt when I told him that IT would be best.
He sent me hurtful words that are still hard to erase. Years went by and I hadn't heard from him. Until I bumped into his mom at the ACTS retreat. She had been eying me since the minute I got there. I knew exactly who she was but was hesitant to approach her because I assumed that CS had probably told her I was a bad friend. I was wrong. She was more lovely than ever and was quick to introduce me to her sister-in-law and told me how CS was doing.

She gave me his number and asked me to call him. I have her mine and allowed her to give it to him. This is when we started talking.

It was nice. When I found out through his mom that he had accepted to go on the Mens Acts Retreat, I was thrilled. I was more excited because I knew how much this meant to his mom.

I was really bummed that I didn't get to be there to see him off to the retreat. I was taking a final. I did however manage to drop off my letter for him. I was a bit worried that it wouldn't reach him but I left it in God's hands.

The candlelight event was scheduled and although I wasn't given the night off, My prayers were with him.

On Sunday, I had this urge to see him. CS, although jokingly always knew what I wanted. Someone to care and support me and be stern with me. He never sugar coated anything. we had a great communication and even though i was hurt by the words he would sometimes use, I realize now that it was just as it should have been. I know how especial it is to come out of the retreat, especially if youve never been. So I really made the biggest effort to see him. Although it was very brief, it felt really nice to see an old friend whom you know, no matter what, will always be friend.

I got very nervous especially because I hadnt seen him in YEARS. His mom I see every now and then at church. But this was different. When I did see him, it all just came back. I was embarrassed because even though I was standing right next to his mom, I was the first he hugged. I pulled away and made sure he went and said hello to his mother. seeing CS was great. Theres something about coming back from a spiritual awakening such as this one. I saw it in all of the men that were there, but because I know CS on a personal level, I could see it in his eyes, this really touched him.

Seeing as I was already late for work... (about 15 minutes late to be exact) I quickly apologize for not being able to stay for the mass, and for the rudeness of me leaving. I felt like such a bad friend. I was also kinda relieved at the same time though. I didnt know if his gf would show up and because I vowed never to cause any problems for him (or any of my other male friends) and his (their) girlfriends.

Lately, I have been in contact with him more frequently than before. IT feels wrong. HE is right, we arent doing anything wrong. We just talk and our converstation dont last long, but I still feel bad.

I feel like I should have a talk with his mom. I dont want her getting the wrong idea. CS constantly expresses how much she loves me and how she scolds him for not ever pursuing anything with me. It bugs me that she does this. I like his mom, a lot, but I know what its like to bugged by your parents about a person of the opposite sex. The difference here is that CS and I are friends. For me, my parents are always going about a guy i hardly know or have ever seen.

I don't know what to do. I want to be CS's friend (especially since its nice to get a friend back that you thought you had lost). but I also dont want to be a reason for any arguments, big or small, in his relationships (because i vowed never to make anyone choose). Id rather vanish in and out of peoples lives than to have that kind of guilt over me.