old friends are hard to boot.

I have been reflecting lately on how my life, my world and all its complications came to be. Ive started reflecting on the friendships i have made, kept and are willing to keep working on.

Just recently, CS went on a mens ACTS retreat. I have known CS since middle school. CS is a very nice guy. During high school I came to know who he was. He was so sweet to me. My fondest memory of him was the countless time where he would tell me not to worry about how I would pay for school. HEd say he had it all planned out. Wed graduate, hed join the marines and would then pay for my schooling.

There were many problems. One being that HE had a girlfriend. Another, which is possibly the most important one was that my heart was stuck on someone.

I had the guy for most of my classes. This didn't change through out our years in high school. What did change was the many girlfriends he had. Yet, no matter who he was involved with, he'd always come and tell me that we would get married. I'd laugh and go along with the charades. Needless to say, most of his girlfriends were not necessarily found of me.I dont blame them, not because I'm being arrogant or stuck up- but because I would have mind it if i was in their shoes.

We stayed in touch, mostly because the night of Senior Banquet, when I was significantly noticed by both of his parents and made quiet the impression. I remember him taking me over his table to meet them, and literally introducing me as a good friend. I was polite and shook their hand and after wards his parents expressed how dumb CS was for not dating me. We took pictures with his mom. Ever since then, the few times that I have bumped into his mom, she makes me feel so loved. She's never gone without reminding me in a joking matter that I would be perfect for CS. Sometimes it scares me because over the last year, this no longer seems like a joking matter. But theres still issues there.. like CS having a gf and my heart STILL trying to find a way to let go and move on.

To my surprise, CS's mom was on the Women's retreat I attended last. It had been such a long time since I had seen her. I hadnt heard from CS either. After my year at TX STATE I came back and attended SAC and there he was. He was dating someone else and again, I wasn't very liked by his current girlfriend. I wasn't too fond of her either. She was always causing a scene. DRAMA. So I stayed away. Like i always have, out of respect. CS called me a bad friend for not being able to get along with her.It wasn't that I didn't get along, he just didn't get that I wasn't comfortable with people I knew weren't comfortable with me. who would? He would invite me to places where she would be and i would quickly turn him down.

Every time they would have an argument or fight where I was the subject, CS would tell me about it. I hated to be a reason why he was having problems with her. I hated that he felt like he had to choose, my friendship over his relationship. Girls are evil. It didn't matter how much he would explain to her that I was just a friend, she never trusted him. So I did what i thought was necessary. I distanced myself from him. I let go of this friendship even though He really was a good friend to me. I let go because obviously he cared for a girl bad enough to be in a relationship with her and I didn't want the guilt over me of being a reason for argument among them.

He was hurt when I told him that IT would be best.
He sent me hurtful words that are still hard to erase. Years went by and I hadn't heard from him. Until I bumped into his mom at the ACTS retreat. She had been eying me since the minute I got there. I knew exactly who she was but was hesitant to approach her because I assumed that CS had probably told her I was a bad friend. I was wrong. She was more lovely than ever and was quick to introduce me to her sister-in-law and told me how CS was doing.

She gave me his number and asked me to call him. I have her mine and allowed her to give it to him. This is when we started talking.

It was nice. When I found out through his mom that he had accepted to go on the Mens Acts Retreat, I was thrilled. I was more excited because I knew how much this meant to his mom.

I was really bummed that I didn't get to be there to see him off to the retreat. I was taking a final. I did however manage to drop off my letter for him. I was a bit worried that it wouldn't reach him but I left it in God's hands.

The candlelight event was scheduled and although I wasn't given the night off, My prayers were with him.

On Sunday, I had this urge to see him. CS, although jokingly always knew what I wanted. Someone to care and support me and be stern with me. He never sugar coated anything. we had a great communication and even though i was hurt by the words he would sometimes use, I realize now that it was just as it should have been. I know how especial it is to come out of the retreat, especially if youve never been. So I really made the biggest effort to see him. Although it was very brief, it felt really nice to see an old friend whom you know, no matter what, will always be friend.

I got very nervous especially because I hadnt seen him in YEARS. His mom I see every now and then at church. But this was different. When I did see him, it all just came back. I was embarrassed because even though I was standing right next to his mom, I was the first he hugged. I pulled away and made sure he went and said hello to his mother. seeing CS was great. Theres something about coming back from a spiritual awakening such as this one. I saw it in all of the men that were there, but because I know CS on a personal level, I could see it in his eyes, this really touched him.

Seeing as I was already late for work... (about 15 minutes late to be exact) I quickly apologize for not being able to stay for the mass, and for the rudeness of me leaving. I felt like such a bad friend. I was also kinda relieved at the same time though. I didnt know if his gf would show up and because I vowed never to cause any problems for him (or any of my other male friends) and his (their) girlfriends.

Lately, I have been in contact with him more frequently than before. IT feels wrong. HE is right, we arent doing anything wrong. We just talk and our converstation dont last long, but I still feel bad.

I feel like I should have a talk with his mom. I dont want her getting the wrong idea. CS constantly expresses how much she loves me and how she scolds him for not ever pursuing anything with me. It bugs me that she does this. I like his mom, a lot, but I know what its like to bugged by your parents about a person of the opposite sex. The difference here is that CS and I are friends. For me, my parents are always going about a guy i hardly know or have ever seen.

I don't know what to do. I want to be CS's friend (especially since its nice to get a friend back that you thought you had lost). but I also dont want to be a reason for any arguments, big or small, in his relationships (because i vowed never to make anyone choose). Id rather vanish in and out of peoples lives than to have that kind of guilt over me.