Sometimes.. letting go is the only option...

I should be excited by now.
I should be looking over my schedule for tomorrow morning and making sure I have enough time to get to both jobs.

I should be getting my backpack ready for  an exciting first day of spring semester.

But I am not. I can't. I am gloomy. I held my breath as I drove by the University I can no longer claim as mine.

It shouldn't be this way. I should have had everything just planned out. I am still trying to figure out  (and in the process breaking  my head) where i went wrong in the calculations. I am standing by my theory that they did not match the scholarship they said they would. That is why I am over $1000.00 in debt for the fall semester.

I am tired of explaining it. People keep asking me, did you do this? have you tried this? Did you talk to this person? Can we make a plate sale? what can I do?? Let me know what I can do for you.

Unless you have a thousand dollars just laying around that you can spare, There's nothing you can do. I appreciate their concern and willingness to help but by asking me to do this or have I done that, It really is just a slap in the face. People who know me know I have sacrificed a lot for my education and have gone above and beyond to  attend a private university with one of the best bilingual education degrees offered in south Texas. So to ask me is to doubt my desires to be at that school.I also think that since most people don't know how complicated this is they cant fully understand so I wont hold it against them.

I guess im being a scrooge in a way, i have a bitter taste in my mouth.
Again I say, soy una nina caprichosa. 

 Maybe that's my real problem. I have unreachable goals and expectations for everything and my family has been right all along. I wont ever reach them.  Maybe I need to settle. Settle like they do.

My biggest problem there is that I have no Idea how to settle. My inability to do so is what has set me apart from my entire family all this time. I feel like since they have no ambitions, and no desire to be knowledgeable about everything and anything they can, (like me) that I must be extra ambitious and learn as much as i can about anything I can possibly get my hands on. I didn't learn to be ambitious from them. Frankly I dont know where it comes from.

At times I love this about my self but tonight and every night I'm not at OLLU this semester, I will curse it. Curse it because if I wasn't so ambitious it wouldn't hurt this much.

The worse part about it it is the feeling of failure I have of myself. The fact that I couldn't make it happen another semester is torture. But alas, it is what it is and sometimes letting go is the only option.