aches, and thoughts-- dreams too.

My stomach ache started a few minutes ago.. lame! I think it might be due to the banana nut muffing I had for breakfast. I really wanted a blueberry muffin though.

My feet ache because of my heels and my back is also in pain due to sleeping on the floor of our efficiency. I moved in with N.O. for the the two months we still have left its nice. I do however look forward to going back to my parents house once the room gets remodeled.

I have clearly made no progress with my moods. No I am not bipolar. But lately My mood has been down. My mother said I might be depressed. But I don't think that is the case. ( I might be wrong)

I really hate to admit it but I miss R. --ok so maybe I'm not hating having to admit it lol. I think I miss seeing him the way three, -- sometimes four times, a week. now, im lucky if i even get a text message. It really bums me out. Maybe My initial thought was right.. maybe all he really wants is just to be friends. could i be blamed for thinking other wise? --don't answer that.

What I mean is that up until we started communicating again, I was well on my way --not really but i'd like to think so-- to getting over him. At least I wasn't in tears as often as I would get everytime I'd see a photograph. It had been a little over a year and I had no contact at all what so ever. I would ocasionally look him up on one of the sites and -of course it was private-- i'd look at his profile pic. it may sound a bit stalkish but i trust me.. i'm no stalker. I'd check his status, mood and all that i could and that would last me a good month.... lol pathetic i know!

Even when i was seeing other guys, i'd do this. which i now wonder how could i have done that?... and that leads to the guilt i have for doing that to the guys i was seeing. I gave them no chance and some of them were very nice to me. Any other girl wouldve been flattered and even mesmerized by some of the things some of them did for me. But I was -- and possible still be-- under the R spell.

Lately I've been so confused about the whole situation that I've started to wonder if my feelings for R are just an obsession. what is an obession any way?

obsession ob·ses·sion (əb-sěsh'ən, ŏb-)
n.

1. Compulsive preoccupation with an idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

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So there you have it courtesy of Dictionary.com

First definition makes sense, Its a cumpulsive preoccupation with the Idea of being where we once used to be- its certainly not an unwanted feeling or emotion, and I dont have anxiety -- cept maybe when i know hes gonna be around lol.

maybe it is an unreasonable idea. I used to tell myself that what once was, never will be again-- not with him or anyone else. But i know why i used to say that to myself. I was convinced that I had to let him go. I had to also let go of the idea that I may one day find what I had with him with someone else. I never thought I'd ever see, talk or hear from him ever again. Even then, thoughts and memories of him occupied my mind and haunted me in dreams.


I'm soo blah! Where are the answers to my questions? I wish there was a book, a guideline, a path aligned with arrows pointing in the direction I am supposed to face. I want to get to where ever it is i am supposed to be already.

My ramblings for today end here..

*sigh*