I wouldnt know ..

I dont know why but today at work.. i spent like two hours talking to a co worker... she got to hear about my family and my journey into this country.. among other things...

She said something that I never really thought of... She wondered why I wasnt bitter towards my parents or family.

Heres the thing.. despite the fact that my family is disfunctional, weird, stubborn, closed minded a times, and can say the most hurtful things to me, I still love them.

I have noticed that sometimes the more I feel like I want to find some peace among us, the more they reject it. This I know is because I know this will never occur on their terms. I want to feel like i can walk into the house and not feel judged.

No one knows what I go through, and its easy for people to share, but its not so much for me. Sometimes i do it unconciously and then i beat myself for doing it. I know i need to get it out sometimes and sometimes the burden of what i go through everyday takes on this uncontrollable force and the next thing you know im sharing something i would never share otherwise.

I can not tell you how many times the tears have dwelled up as i walk home sometimes late at night. Sometimes I have managed to keep them in til i reach the door. Sometimes im not as successful and as soon as i reach the reach the church.. i crack.. sometimes i wonder what the maintenance man thinks of me when i sit there and sob quietly. If only he knew how much comfort i get being in front of La Virgen de Guadalupe.

I dont cry because im having to walk, (no naci en carro) The tears accumulate because sometimes I go an entire week with out seeing my little brothers. No one will ever really know how much i miss those two boys.My nephew too has captured my heart in a way that no one ever will. They are my hereos, my life before I transferred to where i am now was really different. I used to have enough money to hang out with them. I never spoiled them, if they brought me home their report cards and most were A's there i went.. showing them that hard work earned them a trip to the movies, bowling or just time to go out for ice cream.

I cry because sometimes i feel like the sacrifice i have made is too much to bare. I dont remember feeling this alone in a long time... maybe never. Not even when i was at Texas State and no one knew of my situation with "Mr Rich."(maybe a blog for some other time) "Mr Rich" brought about this feeling of loneliness and fear that i dont wish upon anyone.



Well that feeling of loneliness has since been something i cant seem to get rid of. I feel alone because i feel like i dont have the support system most people have. I am my own Cheerleader but it gets really hard to cheer yourself up ALL THE TIME! sometimes i wish there was someone, a friend, a brother, my sister.. .. somebody.. ANYBODY.

No one seems to get it... sometimes i dont want people to tell me what to do.. sometimes i just want to lean on someone and cry til i have no more tears to cry. Sometimes i wish i didnt care about anything or anyone. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if i had done things differently. Like being open minded to Mr Rich and what he offered... not that i was interested in his money (although now it would be very beneficial.. lol.. i kid.. im no gold digger) anyway.. had he been right.. would i have really been able to forget and eventually care for him if i had been open minded about the whole thing.. the truth is that im sure i wouldnt have because its hard to forget



I wouldnt know how many more tears these eyes will shed

I wouldnt know the answer to a lot of unanswered questions and prayers (if they ever come at all)

I know i will never understand why I feel so different....

and I will never know when i will find that something.. that someone that can accept me just as i am and for who i will become.