tragic news..

I have been trying to not blog lately. It isn't because i want to , but rather because this is where I just vent.

For those who don't know me.. and if you happen to stumble upon my blog, this is used to just get things off my head. With that being said, the reason why I haven't been wanting to blog is because the minute I write whatever is going on, i tend to just let it go. Let it go and let it be. I am not sure if I am ready to let this be... but I know that its out of my hands.

If you really know me, then you know how much i complain, whine, and just ramble on and on and on about my daily struggles. Lately, I have hit rock bottom. thats right. If in other instances I have expressed this , let it be known that i was wrong. THIS is rock bottom.

Because of how much money i still owe in tuition, I will not be allowed to register for the Spring semester next week. No big deal right? I have gone through this for a year. Tuition eventually ends up getting paid off, late nonetheless, but it gets paid. I usually end up registering for classes at the last minute because it take me that pay it off. My classes always seem to just fit my schedule nicely (most of the time) and my work schedule does too.

I always end up an emotional mess because my biggest fear has been that I would run out of time to pay off my tuition and would not be allowed to register for classes. My dear friends, followers, etc... My biggest fear has become a reality.

You may think that it is too early in the semester to start thinking of this, but trust me when i say that only a miracle can get me out of this whole. I do believe in miracles, i do. but this one is questionable. I have a tuition balance of over 2 grand. I made the first payment because otherwise my classes would have been dropped. Ive exhausted my promissory notes to the school (which is different than the note for my loans). I have cried my eyes out for two weeks, and i tend to breakdown at just the thought of me not being able to come back in the spring. As i sit here i am trying not to shed another tear, and trust me its hard.

I didn't make a payment for the month of Sept, and Oct's payment is due soon. I could use my rent money to pay it off but my rent is only HALF of each months bill. HALF! It may seem as if I have given up. There are grants and scholarships that I have applied for and NONE have come through. I hate it. I feel like every effort I do to find money for school is in vain. I don't want to hear that I am not trying that I need to keep looking because i am exhausted. I am tired.

Yes, I chose to attend an expensive, private university, but the regrets are none. The educational quality is beyond compare. I would not and refuse to transfer just to lessen my financial burden. This is my education, my career, that we are dealing with. I have high standards for myself and i want the best.

I could move back in with my parents and i would save money, but I won't. ITs not pride, its just not an option for me. (long story.. too long).

So here's my plan.

Plan A:
1. Finish this semester strong!
2. Continue as i have been so far if not better..
3. EXPECT a MIRACLE!!!!!
Plan B:
1. Plan on not being in school next semester.
2. Work, work, WORK
3. Pay off tuition BILL
4.Register for the SUMMER if not FALL

Plan A is where I am at, Plan B will kicking in at the end of this semester. I hate myself right now. I feel like such a failure. Ultimately i feel as though i'm giving up but its time to just be realistic with everything in my life and just deal with things instead of dreaming of things to just fall into place.

One of the best compliments i have received are in regards to my determination and strength. (you know who you are) THANKS! ....

ITs also been the compliment that has made me realize that i may not possess these things. Especially when it deals with THIS. Takinga semester off is making my graduation just seem unreachable. Its not fair, but I'm not mad at God, or at anyone for that matter, IT just makes me sad because the desire to get my life started is there and now it seems as though it will never start.