Bittersweet

Saturday I volunteered to help out with an event put on by my university. The organization that I am part of is trying to make a name and get recognize for out efforts to push for education, especially bilingual education.

Since this event targeted 6th graders, all members agreed on volunteering. We come to know on that day of, that this event is put on for kids who attend private catholic schools. I decided to make the best of it but the comments made by parents and how they carried themselves allowed me to realize that these children were not being deprived of an education. Their parents were well off . Enough to pay for tuition. Not all were paying, but they were blessed with the opportunity to provide that for their children.

These kids and their parents, spend a day on campus. They were fed, given tours, attended mock classes, and even had the opportunity to watch a university soccer game. All sorts of goodies were provided for them, backpacks, expensive calculators, USB ports, hoodies, and the mother of all; a $40,000 scholarship to attend this university.

A sixth grader whose parents are able to afford to pay tuition, has a FULL scholarship to THIS university (if tuition rates don't rise). What is wrong with this picture??


These parents for the most part are educated. Such grant was supposed to target future first generation college students. These parents, most of not all, had a college degree. Why were they chosen? HAnd picked selection done by the principals of the schools that were selected for this. (all were private).

Why aren't we targeting those who have no means?? who's desire is to attend a university but have no financial way to make it happen.

When such news was announced to the parents, the kids faces were indifferent. At such age, one doesn't realize what 40k can do or what it means in regards to an education. Some parents did shed a tear, because they know what it is like and the sort of financial burden it can be to put a child through college. I teared up. some of the reasons why are because well first of all I am a crier. Second, the realization that our of those 20 scholarships awarded only 4 will be used. 4!!!!!

Here I am crying my eyes out because I cant seem to find a way to pay off 2K in order to register for classes next semester and these snotty, private school brats, have just received a full ride and they would rather keep indulging in the sweets and drinks than to properly thank the people who made this possible.

I left with a bittersweet feeling. IT is great to know that there are people out there that are trying to improve the Latino statistics in education, but have not yet realized that perhaps the Latino population needs to be looked at a bit closer to know who INDEED needs the help and support.

just an old date....

So last weekend.. I get a text from an old... well I guess his title would be "friend."

He invites me to hang out with a group of pretty smart people...

Because I was feeling really down, and I knew that if I was to go home, I would literally get into bed and I would just cry myself to sleep, I decided to accept his invite.

A little about this "friend," umm I used to date him.(lets name him... IBO) He is a pretty good guy, working on his masters, Hispanic, hes really smart. Did I mention he is in Grad school?? OK so he is a few years older than I am but that's not a bad thing. ANYWAY that isn't the point. He is now dating and living with someone.

I knew of IBO's relationship status because of good old fb. I decided to go because I didn't think it would be awkward at all. In fact, I thought it would be childish of me to use that as an excuse just because we had once dated. After all, we are grown-ups no?

Well, IBO said he was bringing friends, and of course I wondered if his girlfriend would be there. I didn't ask. I must admit that the main reasons why I went was because he also knows a friend of mine whom I've known since grade school. I thought it would be nice to catch up, mostly I was looking for something to do to get everything I had going on out of my head.

I showed up, and for a few minutes, I thought I had been stood up. lol long story short... we sat down and chatted up a bit.. and ordered disgusting beer , they did... not me.. . one that smelled and tasted like an ashtray! just remembering it makes me nauseous.

Let me just say that it was WEIRD! AWKWARD. I sat across from IBO's gf. IBO and I occasionally looked at each other but each time I did, I felt weird and kept wondering, WHY?

Why did he invite me? After all this time? my friend whom I have known for years asked me what had happened between He and I. I wasn't even aware that she knew we had dated. Apparently Ibo used to call her to talk about me and how much he liked me.

Another thing I noticed was his Spanish. Back when we were dating, it was horrible. In fact it was kind of a turn off for me. I like a well spoken bilingual man. lol.. I noticed that he kept using it and that his Spanish had improved tremendously. I actually left wishing I had payed him a compliment in regards to his Spanish skills. He had no problem speaking it and it may have been to show off to his girlfriend? He kept translating for her. I felt horrible because I caught myself speaking Spanish and him translating what I said in her ear. I tried my best not to speak Spanish, but it sort of just comes out when I hear it.

His gf, is Asian. She too is working on her masters. Kinda shy and kept talking mostly to me. I too wondered if she knew that I used to date IBO. I questioned this because of our conversation and the fact that despite all the people there she spoke to me more than to any one else at the table. It could have also been that I was directly in front of her.

The question still lingers... why would I get an invite?

My friend was curious to know why it hadn't worked out between he and I. I automatically said "because I am not Asian." LOL

No really, He was a good guy... I was impressed, but I got a bit scared when he declared himself to me, (in Spanish!!!!) after having been on a few dates. It was too fast, too much. I mean was I wrong?? I am all about being friends first.. and he wasn't even allowing a friendship to rise. I was quick to set that straight and he said he couldn't just be my friend. He ended up adding me once again as a friend on fb, and that's how I knew he was dating someone else.

So I wasn't wrong. I mean, if he is living with his current gf... that can only tell you what he was expecting and looking for. Which is fine, I don't judge, but that is certainly something that he wouldn't have gotten from out of me.

LOL. I found this and thought it was funny.. enjoy!

tragic news..

I have been trying to not blog lately. It isn't because i want to , but rather because this is where I just vent.

For those who don't know me.. and if you happen to stumble upon my blog, this is used to just get things off my head. With that being said, the reason why I haven't been wanting to blog is because the minute I write whatever is going on, i tend to just let it go. Let it go and let it be. I am not sure if I am ready to let this be... but I know that its out of my hands.

If you really know me, then you know how much i complain, whine, and just ramble on and on and on about my daily struggles. Lately, I have hit rock bottom. thats right. If in other instances I have expressed this , let it be known that i was wrong. THIS is rock bottom.

Because of how much money i still owe in tuition, I will not be allowed to register for the Spring semester next week. No big deal right? I have gone through this for a year. Tuition eventually ends up getting paid off, late nonetheless, but it gets paid. I usually end up registering for classes at the last minute because it take me that pay it off. My classes always seem to just fit my schedule nicely (most of the time) and my work schedule does too.

I always end up an emotional mess because my biggest fear has been that I would run out of time to pay off my tuition and would not be allowed to register for classes. My dear friends, followers, etc... My biggest fear has become a reality.

You may think that it is too early in the semester to start thinking of this, but trust me when i say that only a miracle can get me out of this whole. I do believe in miracles, i do. but this one is questionable. I have a tuition balance of over 2 grand. I made the first payment because otherwise my classes would have been dropped. Ive exhausted my promissory notes to the school (which is different than the note for my loans). I have cried my eyes out for two weeks, and i tend to breakdown at just the thought of me not being able to come back in the spring. As i sit here i am trying not to shed another tear, and trust me its hard.

I didn't make a payment for the month of Sept, and Oct's payment is due soon. I could use my rent money to pay it off but my rent is only HALF of each months bill. HALF! It may seem as if I have given up. There are grants and scholarships that I have applied for and NONE have come through. I hate it. I feel like every effort I do to find money for school is in vain. I don't want to hear that I am not trying that I need to keep looking because i am exhausted. I am tired.

Yes, I chose to attend an expensive, private university, but the regrets are none. The educational quality is beyond compare. I would not and refuse to transfer just to lessen my financial burden. This is my education, my career, that we are dealing with. I have high standards for myself and i want the best.

I could move back in with my parents and i would save money, but I won't. ITs not pride, its just not an option for me. (long story.. too long).

So here's my plan.

Plan A:
1. Finish this semester strong!
2. Continue as i have been so far if not better..
3. EXPECT a MIRACLE!!!!!
Plan B:
1. Plan on not being in school next semester.
2. Work, work, WORK
3. Pay off tuition BILL
4.Register for the SUMMER if not FALL

Plan A is where I am at, Plan B will kicking in at the end of this semester. I hate myself right now. I feel like such a failure. Ultimately i feel as though i'm giving up but its time to just be realistic with everything in my life and just deal with things instead of dreaming of things to just fall into place.

One of the best compliments i have received are in regards to my determination and strength. (you know who you are) THANKS! ....

ITs also been the compliment that has made me realize that i may not possess these things. Especially when it deals with THIS. Takinga semester off is making my graduation just seem unreachable. Its not fair, but I'm not mad at God, or at anyone for that matter, IT just makes me sad because the desire to get my life started is there and now it seems as though it will never start.

My sisters wedding....

So the heading says it all...

lol.

I don't get along very well with my sister, who so happens to be my twin. (if you knew us both, you'd understand why... and those that do know us both, you would agree that this is true).

My sister has had this boyfriend of hers for about 2 years, I think. The point is that no one really approved at the beginning. The reasons are too many to name, and also the reasons don't really matter because she is getting married to him next May..... MAYBE.

Yes, it is a BIG MAYBE. My sister treats this guy so bad that at times I have wondered why he is still around. In fact, I myself, on a few occasions advised him to leaver her. I am a horrible sister aren't I? But at least I have said this while shes is in the room. She knows how much of a horrible person she can become.

At first we all though he was all wrong for her, in fact I still feel the same way about him as I did back then, but if my sister is to marry this guy, then so be it... everyone has already just adapted to his presence and his presence is even missed when hes not around. He probably visits my parents home more than I do. lol.
However, their relationship is on faulty ground because it started out as sneaking around, and because my sister took forever, FOREVER, to admit to everyone that this was the guy for her.

I was so baffled at how she treated him yesterday. Poor guy. He decides to share this with me and I have to admit that he was not at fault. My sister never stands up for him when my brothers, young and OLD, insult him. I cringe when they do this in front of me, and part of me wants to stand up for him. It isn't because I love the guy, HA! yea right! I think I feel this way because I know that it isn't right. And my sister allows it, and sometimes even joins in.
Like I said before, I don't know why hes still around. I have come to the conclusion that he does in fact, in his own way, love my sister. (and if its not love then he really does care for her). Why else would he put up with so much crap????..... never mind... don't answer that.

Any how, they are currently "broken up" (dejados) yet he was at my moms yesterday, begging her to forgive him... The poor guy is asking for my advice, and to tell you the truth I wanted to tell him to run as fast as he could and never return. My sister has never establish his place in the family and therefore he is disrespected by one and all... (i too am guilty... but i have seen the error of my ways since they announced that marriage was in their plans)

I laughed and now pity them because their fight was so silly and she blew it out of proportion. It could be that this is just her technique at getting a really big and expensive gift since her bday is coming up.

I don't like to butt in and frankly, my sister has a point... what do I know about being in a relationship?
I don't think I was butting in, especially if her bf is asking me for my opinion.

Regardless, that was my cue to leave. I left. Pondering and replaying my sister's words over and over. I don't know what it is like, but I know that when i am fortunate enough to be in her shoes I won't pick silly fights with the person I am thinking of spending the rest of my life with. I will most certainly stand up for him if he is disrespected by my family, regardless of who it is.

What a way to start off OCTOBER....

... i'm sure you'll appreciate me not writing a ton of words...

These are just some things i found and i liked!