back in Febuary of this year

So for the sake of it all here is a bog i wrote on the once loved myspace.. i wrote this in febuary of this month and well i kinda just want to post it on here.. so yea..


Been caught up with reading all these books that have been sitting on my shelf for sometime...

i didnt really enjoy the last book i read.. i guess its cus im not into
science fiction.. but one of my resolutions for the new year was to
read other genres besides romance novels.. lol

Im currently reading "In Perfect Light, by

benjamin
alire
Saenz (accent on a)

its just a novel. (no romance in it..lol.. i know i know.)

havent gotten too far into it but i'd like to share some of it here.. so here it goes...


She wouldn't let anyone play her that way because she was too smart and
had grown up too poor and had fought an eternal war with idiots who
mistook poverty for lack of ambition instead of for what it was-- the
accident of birth.

She wouldn't let anyone play her that way because she was a beautiful
woman who had learned not to rely on the shallow fact of her beauty,
because she understood clearly that her beauty, like her poverty, was
also nothing more than a mere accident of birth. She would not let
anyone play her that way because she had worked too hard to be honest,
honest not in the eyes of God, who had no eyes, not in the eyes of her
friends and colleagues, no in the eyes of her son, not in the eyes of
anyone but HERSELF, the harshest, the severest of judges.



this actually made me stop and i had to read it over and over again. I
stopped reading after this.. the passage triggered too many thoughts in
me.
Honesty to myself, is probably the issue that hits home. I’m
surrounded by people who care and love me, that I know, most if not all
are family.However, Ive been having a really hard time trying to be
honest with myself.

For people who REALLY know me, you would agree that I’m not a
self-centered person, I am as humble as one can get. Or at least I
think I am (feel free to disagree).

Ive always done what others want me to do, taken roads knowing that I
wouldn’t be happy traveling, and all because ive been so focused on
trying to please those around me. My Family is probably the biggest
influence of all.. what do you expect? I was raised to obey.. the most
sacred commandment ---“honor thy mother and father” and I’ve done a
heck of a good job. (although I can almost guarantee that they think
other wise.)

Is, Moving out in order to grow and learn to be independent a crime?

What about not dating the guy your parents want you to date?

What about moving to a place far away from friends and family.. is THAT a crime?

Going against my parents wishes is probably something I will always struggle with.

Going away to college my freshman year was the hardest time I had.

I needed to be true to myself. I was always concerned with how my
parents would judge me. and it bugged me because they didn’t fully
approve… in fact they still don’t think much of it theyd jsut rather
ignore it. and in their eyes i never left. it bugs me cus for me that
year was a heck of an accomplishment and theyd just rather ignore it
because recognizing it would be approving of the fact that i left the
house NOT in a white dress the way they had hoped.. .



Coming back into town was mainly cus of financial issues, i could have
stuck it out and i should have but knowing that my parents wanted me
home kinda just made me give up in trying to make my financial issues
work out.. but now they were simply glad to have me back home,
something is eating me up because I failed. I let myself down. And now
I’ve had to answer to the harshest and severest judge of all.. Myself.



May the good Lord forgive me for disobeying my parents but I no longer
wish to abide by their wishes if im not happy.

I may be considered a rebel in their eyes.. maybe even the black sheep
of the family but that’s ok. I know that im not doing anything wrong.
My values and morals are still very dear to my heart and although
sometimes they think ive lost sight of them, they could not be further
from the truth.


I must admit though, that on most days it kills me that I don’t have
their full blessing.. I wish I would conform just like my twin sister
or my brothers. I wish i wasn’t so ambitious. Happiness would be
acquired much more quickly but instead, my head is filled with goals
and milestones that ive yet to accomplish.

I wish they understood me. I wish they would realize that I’m not the
rebel they’ve come to see. I wish I had their support. I simply wish
they’d accept me for the person that Ive become.

I simply wish…………………………..