beyond the smile...

Beyond a smile,

tears dwell, stomach knot aches, and the knot in one's throat suffocates.... but no one has to know.

I keep telling myself that if I just keep at this, I can lie to myself. I can get sucked into the cherades and maybe learn to ignore all that in my opinion sucks. I need to focus on the positive side. I need to magnify the small positive things and make them grandeur in meaning. I am really good at doing that. Though it is something I swore I would never do, I am having to resort to it to survive, to breathe, to lie to myself.

I may loose myself, my being, my dreams, my ambitions.. but that is what I signed up for. Those are just some of the consequences of my choices. They were clear to me when I made my decisions and they have never been more clear than they are today.