a devastating let down....

Happy August peeps!

I have no idea where my summer went. Its so crazy how time flies doesn't it? I guess I shouldn't be complaining. After all, we choose how busy our life needs to be.

At the moment I am extremely frustrated at several situations, but the one that I am most baffled with has to do with a huge disappointment that came in result of a "friend" sharing something about herself. For the sake of this.... lets call her ALEX (not real name)

I met Alex through the lousy part time job I currently hold as a Cashier at a tourist trap.
For the past few months i hadn't mind working there so much because I started to know Alex a little more each time we were scheduled to work together. Shes two years older than me, going to school, has two jobs.. leads somewhat of a similar life to mine. There's also some differences, for example, she lives with her dad and nephew, she likes to drink, party.. stuff that I am not known for. That was ok, because you cant judge everyone by the things they do.... well i try not to. Her friendliness at worked made it very easy to overlook such things.

So of course when I get comfortable with a friend.. (female friend) of course "girl Talk" is unavoidable. So it happened. She'd ask me about all sorts of people.... but mostly she was interested in my "love life"... HA! what a joke.. eh??? well anyways.. I did end up talking to her about a couple of guys... just so that I can get advice... or just hear what she had to say. I kind of held back on asking her about the person who currently has my heart because hes special.. i ended up telling her about him when I finally trusted her with it. Of course she told me what I have heard from other people.
But she also made me feel like she knew EXACTLY how i felt. Her words just made it seem like she truly genuinely KNEW EXACTLY how i felt about him and it helped because again, i felt like she understood where I was coming from. But that's not the point.

The point was that I totally saw myself in her. I finally felt like I had found a friend who was living a similar life as i was , that I wasn't totally alone in this!

I was wrong. OH SO WRONG!!!

Turns out that despite having so much in common, we are two totally different people. She confessed that she is involved.. ahem.. (sexually) with someone from work. AS i was about to ask her not to tell me his name so as to avoid feeling awkward around such person, she spat his name out.

Such person is married, with kids... and old enough to be her father! What makes matters worse... such person is the most respected person at work because he is an authoritative figure. Such person was admired by yours truly and thought him to be the most kind and understanding supervisor ever. (FYI- I despise this horrid person now)

Anger filled me! I didn't know what to say or what to do. I was disgusted at the fact that I had considered her and I to be just the same. I don't consider myself better than her but her morals and values are all screwed up!!

It all started to click in place. I always wondered why she would never really talk about her "love life." She did talk a lot about an ex boyfriend of hers but it was always very vague. I never pushed her for details because i figured she would if she wanted to. The advice she would give me about the guys i talked to her about were all invalid now. But what hurt me the most was realizing that the words that she gave me, the words that made me feel like she understood HOW I WAS FEELING towards the guy who i cant seem to let go of, were in reference to HER feelings for that old fart!

How could such feelings be compared. I am ALLOWED to have these feelings for someone and not feel guilty about it because he doesn't have a wife and kids yet... and when he does.. i will have to probably yank my heart out! but HOW DARE SHE!!!


GAHHH! Just thinking about it fills me with such fury that even i get surprised.
:needless to say, I have had a huge let down. this just goes to show ME that you never really know a person.

IT made me loose faith in friendship, men, and marriage... and people in general.
I am angry with her, yet i still talk to her and she knows i see her under a different light now, she hates it but there is nothing i can do to change that. I dont see her as i once did and i never will again. I can continue to be her friend but I dont know that the friendship will grow or that i can consider her a lifelong friend.

See people who live life not in accordance to how GOD wants us to live are just not people who i want to be around. There are people who dont think they are doing anything wrong. and there are people who dont believe in God. But SHE does, and SHE KNOWS shes doing wrong... and yet she's been doing it for God knows how long. am i being too hard on her? Am i just wrong in thinking the way i do??


and then people wonder why i dont have many friends...