Lessons 2010 left me with...

Happy New year!!

I have been horrible at keeping a blog thus far. The good news is that I have about 360 days left to make it better.

The Holidays were good. I was able spend it with my family. Nothing really out of the ordinary. It still has not hit me that this is a new year. If your are wondering... I never did find the Christmas Spirit.

I thought of my first blog for this new year to be about resolutions. The more I thought about it the more I realized that no one really goes through with resolutions for a new year.

Instead, I have decided to mention a few of the lessons 2010 taught me. It was quite a year, and although I NO LONGER dwell in the past, I do however, believe that who I am Today, is in fact because of what I have learned in the past. Here are a few of my lessons... read on.

Lesson Learned on FAMILY -

You only got one! They may be different, and their beliefs and thoughts may be worlds away from yours but in the end you are in that family for a reason.

God has blessed me so much. If you are a follower and have read previous posts, you might say I complain a lot about my family, and its true.  There have been times where I have been hurt by them, but despite all of that I wouldn't trade them for the world. Things are turning out for the better around my family. I no longer question why they treat me the way they do, I just accept it. I will continue to accept them because God has given me patience and understanding. God will comfort me when I don't understand why they can't accept me and the decisions I have made for myself. God will be my biggest support when I continue my efforts towards school and anything else that may come about.

Lesson Learned on Friendship -

I made so many new friends this year, All the people I interned with are all still considered friends because despite being all over the country, they are still people I can call and talk to for hours on issues that are dear to our hearts. I can call them to meet up even after going months without any communication and pick up right were we left off.

one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that when it comes to being called a friend, it is all about acceptance. I am no one to judge, I am ashamed that I judge a specific individual because their life didn't reflect mine.

Oh also, a word of advice, don't let your friends date your siblings... tee hee hee...especially if you are really good friends.  LOL Things can get a bit messy. this is a joke. haha.. i guess i am quiet the matchmaker... unintentionally of course. Someone I befriended in 6th grade  is now my sister in law... My BF in second grade dated one of my brothers, it didn't work out.. I don't talk to her anymore. A girl I has so much in common with dated another brother of mine and well shes was also weird with me after things ended with them. It just sucks... cus I don't intervene and I can handle them being with my siblings but when its over its as if they break up with me too. Its inevitable, a friendship is bound to change if family gets involved especially if they date. I am hoping I am wrong because I have another really good friend who is dating my OTHER brother and well the idea that our friendship may be altered if things between them don't work out is kinda of disappointing...and sad. I am however very hopeful.

To the friends you  have had for years, applaud them for they have put up with you. LOL Cherish those Friendships and pray that they continue to grow.

LESSON Learned on FAITH -
"god answers prayers in three ways, Yes, No, and Not yet." Keep asking away, eventually your prayers do get answered.
When they do, when he gives you a YES, please give HIM credit, and thank him for his blessings upon you.

God doesn't give us anything we cant handle. Life is hard, being an adult is extremely hard, and sometimes the worse thing one can do is loose faith. If things don't turn out in your favor chances are God have you a "NO". Accept it, don't hold a grudge, and don't be mad at HIM. ask him for understanding and acceptance of his will.


The "not yet" answer is the most ambiguous one of all. It can sadly be mistaken as a "NO". Especially because we as humans are very impatient and want things done when and how we want them. Remember that God doesn't like to be bossed around. Ask for patience and signs to let you know weather it is a NO, or a NOT YET. Don't be in denial. Avoid my mistake and listen to those signs. Don't spend your time, (in my case years!) for something to happen when he gave you "NO" 4 years ago. Chances are He has greater plans for you and it may be something better that you could have asked for. But When he Hands you a "NOT YET" be patient and wait and see what the big hold up was about... chances are its was probably worth it!

Lesson Learned on LOVE, DATING, ETC...
"Love is Friendship on Fire"
"A Bird May Love a Fish, But where Would They Live?"

"If you truly Love someone, Set them free. If they Return, They were always yours, If they don't They never were."

I left this one for last because I wasn't sure if I had learned anything. I did! I DID! LOL

A Shallow guy will always be shallow. Don't answer his calls. and don't take the letters he wrote to you seriously. LOL

Educated guys are SEXY!  (yes I used that word! ) But be cautious because some may be arrogant and cocky because of it too. Be wise and befriend them first, if you like what you see, go for the kill! haha..

Don't, by Any means, accept an invite to hang out with someone you have turned down, Chances are they just want to show off and let you know they have someone who gave them what you wouldn't.

Don't waste your time on someone who has made you their second choice. Especially if you know if your heart that you ARE ONE OF A KIND! .  No matter how great of a guy you think he is or how you can attest that there are no others like him, deal with it. Don't let him tell your heart you were runner up. A great guy will come one day and the butterflies will return, and the twinkle in your eyes will shine again.

Don't ever confuse a NO for a NOT YET. Don't spend your time, (in my case years!) for something to happen when he gave you "NO" 4 years ago. Chances are He has greater plans for you and it may be something better that you could have asked for. (Yes, you've already read this. under the Lesson Learned on FAITH... it fits under this one too.)

Once again, Happy New year...

Almost but not quite ....

I attended a graduation ceremony yesterday. She is one of my dear friends, who has accomplished so much despite many obstacles. Shes also one of my followers!! Congratulations again Alicia! I am really proud of you.


I was so glad that ALL of your family was able to be there for you!


My experience at the ceremony was interesting. LOL I ended up getting all emotional because I knew how much this meant to you!

Also, because it made me realize what I will be missing. If you call from a previous post, I will not be walking the stage when I graduate. I figured that if I put it in my head, that I didn't want to walk the stage I wouldn't do it and that I would be fine with it. As I sat there, hearing the speakers, witnessing the graduates walk the stage, and the joy and celebrations afterward, I realized how much I do want it despite my constant denial of it.

Sad to say that it wasn't enough to convince me to decide to walk the stage when that day comes. Al most but not quite. Although that is what I think today, tomorrow I may change my mind. If I do walk, then I'll probably do it alone. No invites, no announcements, nada. My friends tell me that they would be there. No offense but no thanks. My family means the world to me. I'd be more hurt to see my friends there than my family.

Maybe that is what I need to work on. I need to emotionally detached myself from them. I fear that if this occurs, then who can I  call family? If only they hadn't raised me to believe that in the end Family is all you got. OR if only i thought and saw the world like they see it. Maybe I wouldn't be fretting with this  today. If this would've have been the case then I would be a totally different person. So I would just conform to life the way they have. There is nothing wrong with conforming in my opinion, but you also have to be accepting of others if they choose NOT to conform, especially if they are family. That's it, that is all I am asking, for support and understanding of my dreams and ambitions. Am I making any sense?


Happy Sunday! Finals 1 will be over and done with my the end of today.

just an old date....

So last weekend.. I get a text from an old... well I guess his title would be "friend."

He invites me to hang out with a group of pretty smart people...

Because I was feeling really down, and I knew that if I was to go home, I would literally get into bed and I would just cry myself to sleep, I decided to accept his invite.

A little about this "friend," umm I used to date him.(lets name him... IBO) He is a pretty good guy, working on his masters, Hispanic, hes really smart. Did I mention he is in Grad school?? OK so he is a few years older than I am but that's not a bad thing. ANYWAY that isn't the point. He is now dating and living with someone.

I knew of IBO's relationship status because of good old fb. I decided to go because I didn't think it would be awkward at all. In fact, I thought it would be childish of me to use that as an excuse just because we had once dated. After all, we are grown-ups no?

Well, IBO said he was bringing friends, and of course I wondered if his girlfriend would be there. I didn't ask. I must admit that the main reasons why I went was because he also knows a friend of mine whom I've known since grade school. I thought it would be nice to catch up, mostly I was looking for something to do to get everything I had going on out of my head.

I showed up, and for a few minutes, I thought I had been stood up. lol long story short... we sat down and chatted up a bit.. and ordered disgusting beer , they did... not me.. . one that smelled and tasted like an ashtray! just remembering it makes me nauseous.

Let me just say that it was WEIRD! AWKWARD. I sat across from IBO's gf. IBO and I occasionally looked at each other but each time I did, I felt weird and kept wondering, WHY?

Why did he invite me? After all this time? my friend whom I have known for years asked me what had happened between He and I. I wasn't even aware that she knew we had dated. Apparently Ibo used to call her to talk about me and how much he liked me.

Another thing I noticed was his Spanish. Back when we were dating, it was horrible. In fact it was kind of a turn off for me. I like a well spoken bilingual man. lol.. I noticed that he kept using it and that his Spanish had improved tremendously. I actually left wishing I had payed him a compliment in regards to his Spanish skills. He had no problem speaking it and it may have been to show off to his girlfriend? He kept translating for her. I felt horrible because I caught myself speaking Spanish and him translating what I said in her ear. I tried my best not to speak Spanish, but it sort of just comes out when I hear it.

His gf, is Asian. She too is working on her masters. Kinda shy and kept talking mostly to me. I too wondered if she knew that I used to date IBO. I questioned this because of our conversation and the fact that despite all the people there she spoke to me more than to any one else at the table. It could have also been that I was directly in front of her.

The question still lingers... why would I get an invite?

My friend was curious to know why it hadn't worked out between he and I. I automatically said "because I am not Asian." LOL

No really, He was a good guy... I was impressed, but I got a bit scared when he declared himself to me, (in Spanish!!!!) after having been on a few dates. It was too fast, too much. I mean was I wrong?? I am all about being friends first.. and he wasn't even allowing a friendship to rise. I was quick to set that straight and he said he couldn't just be my friend. He ended up adding me once again as a friend on fb, and that's how I knew he was dating someone else.

So I wasn't wrong. I mean, if he is living with his current gf... that can only tell you what he was expecting and looking for. Which is fine, I don't judge, but that is certainly something that he wouldn't have gotten from out of me.

LOL. I found this and thought it was funny.. enjoy!

old friends are hard to boot.

I have been reflecting lately on how my life, my world and all its complications came to be. Ive started reflecting on the friendships i have made, kept and are willing to keep working on.

Just recently, CS went on a mens ACTS retreat. I have known CS since middle school. CS is a very nice guy. During high school I came to know who he was. He was so sweet to me. My fondest memory of him was the countless time where he would tell me not to worry about how I would pay for school. HEd say he had it all planned out. Wed graduate, hed join the marines and would then pay for my schooling.

There were many problems. One being that HE had a girlfriend. Another, which is possibly the most important one was that my heart was stuck on someone.

I had the guy for most of my classes. This didn't change through out our years in high school. What did change was the many girlfriends he had. Yet, no matter who he was involved with, he'd always come and tell me that we would get married. I'd laugh and go along with the charades. Needless to say, most of his girlfriends were not necessarily found of me.I dont blame them, not because I'm being arrogant or stuck up- but because I would have mind it if i was in their shoes.

We stayed in touch, mostly because the night of Senior Banquet, when I was significantly noticed by both of his parents and made quiet the impression. I remember him taking me over his table to meet them, and literally introducing me as a good friend. I was polite and shook their hand and after wards his parents expressed how dumb CS was for not dating me. We took pictures with his mom. Ever since then, the few times that I have bumped into his mom, she makes me feel so loved. She's never gone without reminding me in a joking matter that I would be perfect for CS. Sometimes it scares me because over the last year, this no longer seems like a joking matter. But theres still issues there.. like CS having a gf and my heart STILL trying to find a way to let go and move on.

To my surprise, CS's mom was on the Women's retreat I attended last. It had been such a long time since I had seen her. I hadnt heard from CS either. After my year at TX STATE I came back and attended SAC and there he was. He was dating someone else and again, I wasn't very liked by his current girlfriend. I wasn't too fond of her either. She was always causing a scene. DRAMA. So I stayed away. Like i always have, out of respect. CS called me a bad friend for not being able to get along with her.It wasn't that I didn't get along, he just didn't get that I wasn't comfortable with people I knew weren't comfortable with me. who would? He would invite me to places where she would be and i would quickly turn him down.

Every time they would have an argument or fight where I was the subject, CS would tell me about it. I hated to be a reason why he was having problems with her. I hated that he felt like he had to choose, my friendship over his relationship. Girls are evil. It didn't matter how much he would explain to her that I was just a friend, she never trusted him. So I did what i thought was necessary. I distanced myself from him. I let go of this friendship even though He really was a good friend to me. I let go because obviously he cared for a girl bad enough to be in a relationship with her and I didn't want the guilt over me of being a reason for argument among them.

He was hurt when I told him that IT would be best.
He sent me hurtful words that are still hard to erase. Years went by and I hadn't heard from him. Until I bumped into his mom at the ACTS retreat. She had been eying me since the minute I got there. I knew exactly who she was but was hesitant to approach her because I assumed that CS had probably told her I was a bad friend. I was wrong. She was more lovely than ever and was quick to introduce me to her sister-in-law and told me how CS was doing.

She gave me his number and asked me to call him. I have her mine and allowed her to give it to him. This is when we started talking.

It was nice. When I found out through his mom that he had accepted to go on the Mens Acts Retreat, I was thrilled. I was more excited because I knew how much this meant to his mom.

I was really bummed that I didn't get to be there to see him off to the retreat. I was taking a final. I did however manage to drop off my letter for him. I was a bit worried that it wouldn't reach him but I left it in God's hands.

The candlelight event was scheduled and although I wasn't given the night off, My prayers were with him.

On Sunday, I had this urge to see him. CS, although jokingly always knew what I wanted. Someone to care and support me and be stern with me. He never sugar coated anything. we had a great communication and even though i was hurt by the words he would sometimes use, I realize now that it was just as it should have been. I know how especial it is to come out of the retreat, especially if youve never been. So I really made the biggest effort to see him. Although it was very brief, it felt really nice to see an old friend whom you know, no matter what, will always be friend.

I got very nervous especially because I hadnt seen him in YEARS. His mom I see every now and then at church. But this was different. When I did see him, it all just came back. I was embarrassed because even though I was standing right next to his mom, I was the first he hugged. I pulled away and made sure he went and said hello to his mother. seeing CS was great. Theres something about coming back from a spiritual awakening such as this one. I saw it in all of the men that were there, but because I know CS on a personal level, I could see it in his eyes, this really touched him.

Seeing as I was already late for work... (about 15 minutes late to be exact) I quickly apologize for not being able to stay for the mass, and for the rudeness of me leaving. I felt like such a bad friend. I was also kinda relieved at the same time though. I didnt know if his gf would show up and because I vowed never to cause any problems for him (or any of my other male friends) and his (their) girlfriends.

Lately, I have been in contact with him more frequently than before. IT feels wrong. HE is right, we arent doing anything wrong. We just talk and our converstation dont last long, but I still feel bad.

I feel like I should have a talk with his mom. I dont want her getting the wrong idea. CS constantly expresses how much she loves me and how she scolds him for not ever pursuing anything with me. It bugs me that she does this. I like his mom, a lot, but I know what its like to bugged by your parents about a person of the opposite sex. The difference here is that CS and I are friends. For me, my parents are always going about a guy i hardly know or have ever seen.

I don't know what to do. I want to be CS's friend (especially since its nice to get a friend back that you thought you had lost). but I also dont want to be a reason for any arguments, big or small, in his relationships (because i vowed never to make anyone choose). Id rather vanish in and out of peoples lives than to have that kind of guilt over me.