beyond the smile...

Beyond a smile,

tears dwell, stomach knot aches, and the knot in one's throat suffocates.... but no one has to know.

I keep telling myself that if I just keep at this, I can lie to myself. I can get sucked into the cherades and maybe learn to ignore all that in my opinion sucks. I need to focus on the positive side. I need to magnify the small positive things and make them grandeur in meaning. I am really good at doing that. Though it is something I swore I would never do, I am having to resort to it to survive, to breathe, to lie to myself.

I may loose myself, my being, my dreams, my ambitions.. but that is what I signed up for. Those are just some of the consequences of my choices. They were clear to me when I made my decisions and they have never been more clear than they are today.

Chances are...

(I noticed that I used the phrase, "chances are..." in my last post so here it yet some more of that)


So i just need to blurted out... CHANCES ARE ...... I MIGHT NOT BE IN SCHOOL THIS SEMESTER..
There, I said it! so now i wait til i feel better.....


doodoo doo doo doooo dooo doo

nope not helping.

Why can't life just throw me  a break. I couldn't come up with the money to pay for my previous balance from last semester and now I don't know what I am to do.

I have thought about asking my family... but with them buying my sister a car and with them complaining Christmas left them broke i'd rather not. Besides, if they really had the money to help me they would offer right? I mean, after all they do know I am in need of it and they even know the amount.. which isn't much but still I am just not able to come up with it.

Why does it all have to revolve around money. Why cant love or kindness make the world go round? why must it be a piece of green paper and some coins???

I guess a lot of it has to do with my choice to go to this private university. Could I really be blamed for wanting the best?

Soy una nina caprichosa! Y cuando quiero algo, me propongo a conseguirlo acomo pueda...

That is when it comes to school.. I am passionate about getting my degree, and taking yet another semester off (this would be my second) would just place me more behind.. I don't want to be an undergrad anymore. I want to join all of those professionals. I want to make a difference in a child's education and life! (I'd like to think that I am already doing that at one of my jobs... I love my kiddos... all 135 of them..) but there  nothing like getting there already.

I thought this would help. I have been trying so hard to keep it in all day.. smile at everyone and be jolly and now I cant.

I guess one of the best things I can say about living and being alone is the fact that you can have a breakdown and know that no one will be around to hear you. The worst part is not having anyone tell you that you will be okay..

What a way to start off OCTOBER....

... i'm sure you'll appreciate me not writing a ton of words...

These are just some things i found and i liked!