I have very few people whom I partner up to study...
Even with them, me helping them is never a given. If I am able to I will... but when I am stressing this much about MY presentations, it should be a given that I will concentrate on that and nothing else.
what ever.. some people just need to grow up.. and deal with things.
I can't help but feel bad, he just left... oh well..
This is such a random post but I needed a quick distraction..
Sometimes what bugs me keeps coming back and distracting me.. If I type it out/write it out.. it helps to just get over it and believe it or not it helps me stop thinking about it... and now that i have i must get back to work...
Toodles.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Hope floats???
I had lunch with "Dr. Pepper" (lol- don't ask) and a fellow classmate who has become a friend of mine. The topic always seems to come up no matter where or with who I am with.
This was no different. They talked about their relationships... yes. I pretty much stayed quiet but when asked about who or what guy I was dating, i just sat there. I have, like on most occasions, just sat there and said nothing.
LOL I found it funny how Dr, Pepper keep telling me how it was okay to go out with guys and it be strictly platonic. I don't even know how it came it. What is it and who can explain this to me?? Obviously they did explain it to me and although they had hope I would walk away thinking that this was the way to have fun, and just go out, I didn't. Who needs to go out?!
I have no desire to do any of this, and perhaps people may call me a hypocrite because I always say that I can't wait til I am married with kids. Obviously if I am not out there looking for someone, when will that happen? right?? My answer: In God's Time.
I don't feel like i need to LOOK for a guy. I have faith that God will place him in my path at the right time. sometimes i get impatient and ask for a sign. I have doubts that I will probably never get to experience this, marriage, motherhood. And if I don't I want a sign. A sign that will allow me to just begin to resign to the idea of not ever having such thing. It may be and sound a bit depressing but when your hopes are to build a family where support is unconditional, and marriage is a sacred thing, you can't help but keep hope afloat .
I sometimes think that I am trying to make up what I have lacked in my life. And perhaps this is true... But a big part of this desire that I have is to simply fulfill what I think God has planned in my life.
Yes sometimes I wish he would hurry, But whether I have yet to meet him or whether hes already in my life, I will try to be as patient as i can.
Dear God,
Please hurry.... send me signs, send me something. Give me the wisdom to see and understand what your plan for me is.
p.s. i am willing to relocate. :D
your humble servant,
Teresa
This was no different. They talked about their relationships... yes. I pretty much stayed quiet but when asked about who or what guy I was dating, i just sat there. I have, like on most occasions, just sat there and said nothing.
LOL I found it funny how Dr, Pepper keep telling me how it was okay to go out with guys and it be strictly platonic. I don't even know how it came it. What is it and who can explain this to me?? Obviously they did explain it to me and although they had hope I would walk away thinking that this was the way to have fun, and just go out, I didn't. Who needs to go out?!
I have no desire to do any of this, and perhaps people may call me a hypocrite because I always say that I can't wait til I am married with kids. Obviously if I am not out there looking for someone, when will that happen? right?? My answer: In God's Time.
I don't feel like i need to LOOK for a guy. I have faith that God will place him in my path at the right time. sometimes i get impatient and ask for a sign. I have doubts that I will probably never get to experience this, marriage, motherhood. And if I don't I want a sign. A sign that will allow me to just begin to resign to the idea of not ever having such thing. It may be and sound a bit depressing but when your hopes are to build a family where support is unconditional, and marriage is a sacred thing, you can't help but keep hope afloat .
I sometimes think that I am trying to make up what I have lacked in my life. And perhaps this is true... But a big part of this desire that I have is to simply fulfill what I think God has planned in my life.
Yes sometimes I wish he would hurry, But whether I have yet to meet him or whether hes already in my life, I will try to be as patient as i can.
Dear God,
Please hurry.... send me signs, send me something. Give me the wisdom to see and understand what your plan for me is.
p.s. i am willing to relocate. :D
your humble servant,
Teresa
Sunday, September 5, 2010
une, deux, troi....
Bonjour! Ca va?lalalala.. im here bored as can be at work... -the library.
Who decided to open on the Sunday before labor day? it is so dead.
I got to do a lot of my readings an I would probably be ahead.. (not really) if i had brought most of my books.
Lately, I have been really wanting to brush up on my french, and i have no idea why. I think its because of my language methodology course.
Another reason for this is because my nephew, is also now taking french at the same middle school i did. I am saddened by the fact that the teacher who i had (with the exception of Mr. Long) are no longer there. Monsieur Pol and Madame Kel were excellent teachers . My brother, Dav, is in 7th grade this year! he too is taking french. I was upset when he told me he didn't have french class for two periods like I did when i was there. I hope this doesn't mean that they will eventually do away with the multilingual program they have there. That would be a shame.
Anywho... i am so proud that my nephew and also my lil bro are following in my footsteps and are studying french. I can already carry on a very basic conversation with them and no one at my moms knows what we are saying. lol the joys of being tri-lingual! I hope they excel in this and keep at it.
Ready for my random ranting? lol
guess who gave me a call last night at his usual time (2am) ? Superman. ask me if i answered? *pause*
nope!
(I've been thinking of changing his alias to cantinflas... lol ive always thought he looks like him... although he doesnt like it at all...lol also because superman is way too cool of an alias for him... so if I mention cantinflas, take note that he is Superman)
I did lie awake for a bit and wondered what his gf had done this time. Usually its a something valid and he has good reasons for being upset at her. the only times he calls me is to chat about something she did or failed to do. I no longer wish to be that friend who he tells his things to and then compares me to her. All the while, i am advocating for her and asking him to try to understand her. the whole thing is pathetic. For those who follow my blog and actually keep up (if you don't that's ok.. i don't blame you..lol) I had written in a previous post that i wouldn't answer his call the next time he called and i just wanted to share the fact that i kept my word.
It took a while to get back to sleep... I said a prayer for him. I don't see why he still calls me and the things he tells me about him and i getting married down the road is dumb and makes me feel like hes such a kid still. why and who would say that to someone when they have a girlfriend???? whoo?! even after I ask him not to say these things he continues and frankly, now... its just..... annoying.
GROW UP already! geez! lol..
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Keeping the Faith
I don't know what else to do but keep the Faith.
Life seems to have found its favorite subject to pick on. Why is it that when I can finally see a dim light.. something ends up sweeping by and blowing it out?
I am excited to for this coming Tuesday.
Since my last post, I have found a new job as a Site Facilitator. I will be in charge of 100+ students and about 3 other staff members. I am nervous for many reasons.
One, the staff. As far as I know they are much older ladies coming to help. I am not knew at being in charge of a position, nor am I knew at at instructing people to do things. But I have experience with older people feeling like my opinion doesn't matter and that because of my age i shouldn't hold such a position. They may be right, because after all they do have more life experience than i do... but it is I that they have given the position to, not them.
I am also nervous because the school is new to me and although i spent a brief amount of time there on Friday, i still don't know what to expect on that first day. The chaos, but I am sure i will find a routine that works for us best.
It is going to be crazy.. but even so.. i have faith that it will all turn out ok.
I have been going over my budget and with tuition and insurance due around the corner i cannot help but stress and yes... break down at the thought of everything and at the thought of the fact that I am coming up blank when it comes to finding a solution.
At the thought of all of this i came to realize that keeping the faith is much much MUCH harder than it seems. A lot of the times i want to just be angry at God for not listening to my prayers and at wondering why this Life is so complicated at times.
Why is ti that my life differs from that of anyone else? I know that I lot of it, if not most of it has to do with the choices I have made for myself. But Why does life insist on beating on me, raining on my parade, or hiding the sunshine???
The rewards at the end of it all, I can only hope, they will be worth the tears, sacrifices etc. I have given all that I am able to give to my studies and my faith. When It comes to faith, I know that he acknowledges it, but HE just has a funny way of showing it.
blah.. that is it for now... my shift just ended and I am about to go jog.. I just need to get my mind off of things.
Au Revoir!
Life seems to have found its favorite subject to pick on. Why is it that when I can finally see a dim light.. something ends up sweeping by and blowing it out?
I am excited to for this coming Tuesday.
Since my last post, I have found a new job as a Site Facilitator. I will be in charge of 100+ students and about 3 other staff members. I am nervous for many reasons.
One, the staff. As far as I know they are much older ladies coming to help. I am not knew at being in charge of a position, nor am I knew at at instructing people to do things. But I have experience with older people feeling like my opinion doesn't matter and that because of my age i shouldn't hold such a position. They may be right, because after all they do have more life experience than i do... but it is I that they have given the position to, not them.
I am also nervous because the school is new to me and although i spent a brief amount of time there on Friday, i still don't know what to expect on that first day. The chaos, but I am sure i will find a routine that works for us best.
It is going to be crazy.. but even so.. i have faith that it will all turn out ok.
I have been going over my budget and with tuition and insurance due around the corner i cannot help but stress and yes... break down at the thought of everything and at the thought of the fact that I am coming up blank when it comes to finding a solution.
At the thought of all of this i came to realize that keeping the faith is much much MUCH harder than it seems. A lot of the times i want to just be angry at God for not listening to my prayers and at wondering why this Life is so complicated at times.
Why is ti that my life differs from that of anyone else? I know that I lot of it, if not most of it has to do with the choices I have made for myself. But Why does life insist on beating on me, raining on my parade, or hiding the sunshine???
The rewards at the end of it all, I can only hope, they will be worth the tears, sacrifices etc. I have given all that I am able to give to my studies and my faith. When It comes to faith, I know that he acknowledges it, but HE just has a funny way of showing it.
blah.. that is it for now... my shift just ended and I am about to go jog.. I just need to get my mind off of things.
Au Revoir!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Mujer de POCA fe...
So about three weeks ago, I started attending the Tues night spanish rosary that is held at my parish.
I walked in with a heavy heart. I was full of despair and didnt know what to do anymore about certain issues.
The one weighing the most was my current job. I hate it there. Especially after realizing that the one person i did befriend was leading a life that I didn't think I should be a part of. So I laid my prayers out there. I prayed the rosary with my heavy heart and by the end of it, I felt so good. I wasn't ready to leave and I wanted to stay there a bit longer to just be in God's presence. The couple in charge of this ministry decided to play music at the end.... most people stayed if not all. They all knelt and prayed and talked to God. I was reflecting on the Scripture that was read and HE truly spoke to me.
I wept. Yes, I cried like the baby that I am. But I cried because I knew that I had lost faith in Him. I cried because despite going to mass every Sunday, I still had lost faith in that he would make it all better.
I continued to show up to work and work the double shifts that they'd ask me too. Never complaining and just making the best of it. Every time I would feel offended or sometimes harassed by the people who work there. I would just take a deep breath and continue on with the duties of my job.
I saw a job opening at my campus and decided to apply. I thought this would be great for many reasons. but these are the most important ones...
1. its on campus... this would save me time and gas.
2. I would be an employee for the university I attend... TUITION gets reduced for staff members.. . need i say more?!
When I applied, again I put all my faith in God. When I didn't get a call for an interview... i was crushed...And instead of turning on Him and getting angry, I let it go and I knew that he had other plans for me. This job wasnt it.
I just got called yesterday for a position I hadn't even applied for. A former employer called me and said they had a supervisor position and had thought of me when recruiting. My schedule was off, but I managed to fix it around so that it may work for me and it has.
the best news is that i get to put in my two weeks notice at the job i currently loathe. I will no longer need to deal with people and their crazy lifestyles.
no more waiters hitting and me or thinking I am as 'easy' as anybody working there.
no more hearing waiters complain about the tips they get and cursing customers under their breath.
I am thrilled because this also means more time to just dedicate to my studies!
Wanna hear some more really great news!!???
My truck is ready ! I just need to purchase the state sticker (which i am doing today!).. and if my brother weren't out of town I think i would be driving it already.
Great things are happening!
I walked in with a heavy heart. I was full of despair and didnt know what to do anymore about certain issues.
The one weighing the most was my current job. I hate it there. Especially after realizing that the one person i did befriend was leading a life that I didn't think I should be a part of. So I laid my prayers out there. I prayed the rosary with my heavy heart and by the end of it, I felt so good. I wasn't ready to leave and I wanted to stay there a bit longer to just be in God's presence. The couple in charge of this ministry decided to play music at the end.... most people stayed if not all. They all knelt and prayed and talked to God. I was reflecting on the Scripture that was read and HE truly spoke to me.
I wept. Yes, I cried like the baby that I am. But I cried because I knew that I had lost faith in Him. I cried because despite going to mass every Sunday, I still had lost faith in that he would make it all better.
I continued to show up to work and work the double shifts that they'd ask me too. Never complaining and just making the best of it. Every time I would feel offended or sometimes harassed by the people who work there. I would just take a deep breath and continue on with the duties of my job.
I saw a job opening at my campus and decided to apply. I thought this would be great for many reasons. but these are the most important ones...
1. its on campus... this would save me time and gas.
2. I would be an employee for the university I attend... TUITION gets reduced for staff members.. . need i say more?!
When I applied, again I put all my faith in God. When I didn't get a call for an interview... i was crushed...And instead of turning on Him and getting angry, I let it go and I knew that he had other plans for me. This job wasnt it.
I just got called yesterday for a position I hadn't even applied for. A former employer called me and said they had a supervisor position and had thought of me when recruiting. My schedule was off, but I managed to fix it around so that it may work for me and it has.
the best news is that i get to put in my two weeks notice at the job i currently loathe. I will no longer need to deal with people and their crazy lifestyles.
no more waiters hitting and me or thinking I am as 'easy' as anybody working there.
no more hearing waiters complain about the tips they get and cursing customers under their breath.
I am thrilled because this also means more time to just dedicate to my studies!
Wanna hear some more really great news!!???
My truck is ready ! I just need to purchase the state sticker (which i am doing today!).. and if my brother weren't out of town I think i would be driving it already.
Great things are happening!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Goodbye Summer
Where did summer go? I didn't have much of a summer. And the realization that at this time next week I will be in classes just hit me yesterday.
I am excited to get another semester started. It means one semester closer to graduating! Even though all the people I once knew have transferred out I am excited nonetheless.
I know this semester is gonna be a tough one. Especially the financial part of it but I can do it. God i s on my side and he has blessed me and i have no doubt he will continue to do so all through out the semester and beyond. Being at the university I am currently attended I have truly embraced the beliefs on which its founders, The sisters of Providence relied on.
I used to freak out and literally break down at the stress of not having enough funds to pay for tuition, or to cover my monthly expenses. I have come up with a certain realizations at how freaking out or breaking down do nothing but make me loose control of my emotions. Above all this I hate the fact that by doing so I completely loose faith in God. I get caught up in the stress of trying to make enough that I forget to leave it up to Him. IT's hard to "Let go and Let God." I know that I just need to do what I can as best I can and trust that "GOD WILL PROVIDE."I'd like to think that I am getting good at it.
So with that said... farewell to my summer, and hello to hectic yet productive FALL season!
Monday, August 9, 2010
a devastating let down....
Happy August peeps!
I have no idea where my summer went. Its so crazy how time flies doesn't it? I guess I shouldn't be complaining. After all, we choose how busy our life needs to be.
At the moment I am extremely frustrated at several situations, but the one that I am most baffled with has to do with a huge disappointment that came in result of a "friend" sharing something about herself. For the sake of this.... lets call her ALEX (not real name)
I met Alex through the lousy part time job I currently hold as a Cashier at a tourist trap.
For the past few months i hadn't mind working there so much because I started to know Alex a little more each time we were scheduled to work together. Shes two years older than me, going to school, has two jobs.. leads somewhat of a similar life to mine. There's also some differences, for example, she lives with her dad and nephew, she likes to drink, party.. stuff that I am not known for. That was ok, because you cant judge everyone by the things they do.... well i try not to. Her friendliness at worked made it very easy to overlook such things.
So of course when I get comfortable with a friend.. (female friend) of course "girl Talk" is unavoidable. So it happened. She'd ask me about all sorts of people.... but mostly she was interested in my "love life"... HA! what a joke.. eh??? well anyways.. I did end up talking to her about a couple of guys... just so that I can get advice... or just hear what she had to say. I kind of held back on asking her about the person who currently has my heart because hes special.. i ended up telling her about him when I finally trusted her with it. Of course she told me what I have heard from other people.
But she also made me feel like she knew EXACTLY how i felt. Her words just made it seem like she truly genuinely KNEW EXACTLY how i felt about him and it helped because again, i felt like she understood where I was coming from. But that's not the point.
The point was that I totally saw myself in her. I finally felt like I had found a friend who was living a similar life as i was , that I wasn't totally alone in this!
I was wrong. OH SO WRONG!!!
Turns out that despite having so much in common, we are two totally different people. She confessed that she is involved.. ahem.. (sexually) with someone from work. AS i was about to ask her not to tell me his name so as to avoid feeling awkward around such person, she spat his name out.
Such person is married, with kids... and old enough to be her father! What makes matters worse... such person is the most respected person at work because he is an authoritative figure. Such person was admired by yours truly and thought him to be the most kind and understanding supervisor ever. (FYI- I despise this horrid person now)
Anger filled me! I didn't know what to say or what to do. I was disgusted at the fact that I had considered her and I to be just the same. I don't consider myself better than her but her morals and values are all screwed up!!
It all started to click in place. I always wondered why she would never really talk about her "love life." She did talk a lot about an ex boyfriend of hers but it was always very vague. I never pushed her for details because i figured she would if she wanted to. The advice she would give me about the guys i talked to her about were all invalid now. But what hurt me the most was realizing that the words that she gave me, the words that made me feel like she understood HOW I WAS FEELING towards the guy who i cant seem to let go of, were in reference to HER feelings for that old fart!
How could such feelings be compared. I am ALLOWED to have these feelings for someone and not feel guilty about it because he doesn't have a wife and kids yet... and when he does.. i will have to probably yank my heart out! but HOW DARE SHE!!!
GAHHH! Just thinking about it fills me with such fury that even i get surprised.
:needless to say, I have had a huge let down. this just goes to show ME that you never really know a person.
IT made me loose faith in friendship, men, and marriage... and people in general.
I am angry with her, yet i still talk to her and she knows i see her under a different light now, she hates it but there is nothing i can do to change that. I dont see her as i once did and i never will again. I can continue to be her friend but I dont know that the friendship will grow or that i can consider her a lifelong friend.
See people who live life not in accordance to how GOD wants us to live are just not people who i want to be around. There are people who dont think they are doing anything wrong. and there are people who dont believe in God. But SHE does, and SHE KNOWS shes doing wrong... and yet she's been doing it for God knows how long. am i being too hard on her? Am i just wrong in thinking the way i do??
and then people wonder why i dont have many friends...
I have no idea where my summer went. Its so crazy how time flies doesn't it? I guess I shouldn't be complaining. After all, we choose how busy our life needs to be.
At the moment I am extremely frustrated at several situations, but the one that I am most baffled with has to do with a huge disappointment that came in result of a "friend" sharing something about herself. For the sake of this.... lets call her ALEX (not real name)
I met Alex through the lousy part time job I currently hold as a Cashier at a tourist trap.
For the past few months i hadn't mind working there so much because I started to know Alex a little more each time we were scheduled to work together. Shes two years older than me, going to school, has two jobs.. leads somewhat of a similar life to mine. There's also some differences, for example, she lives with her dad and nephew, she likes to drink, party.. stuff that I am not known for. That was ok, because you cant judge everyone by the things they do.... well i try not to. Her friendliness at worked made it very easy to overlook such things.
So of course when I get comfortable with a friend.. (female friend) of course "girl Talk" is unavoidable. So it happened. She'd ask me about all sorts of people.... but mostly she was interested in my "love life"... HA! what a joke.. eh??? well anyways.. I did end up talking to her about a couple of guys... just so that I can get advice... or just hear what she had to say. I kind of held back on asking her about the person who currently has my heart because hes special.. i ended up telling her about him when I finally trusted her with it. Of course she told me what I have heard from other people.
But she also made me feel like she knew EXACTLY how i felt. Her words just made it seem like she truly genuinely KNEW EXACTLY how i felt about him and it helped because again, i felt like she understood where I was coming from. But that's not the point.
The point was that I totally saw myself in her. I finally felt like I had found a friend who was living a similar life as i was , that I wasn't totally alone in this!
I was wrong. OH SO WRONG!!!
Turns out that despite having so much in common, we are two totally different people. She confessed that she is involved.. ahem.. (sexually) with someone from work. AS i was about to ask her not to tell me his name so as to avoid feeling awkward around such person, she spat his name out.
Such person is married, with kids... and old enough to be her father! What makes matters worse... such person is the most respected person at work because he is an authoritative figure. Such person was admired by yours truly and thought him to be the most kind and understanding supervisor ever. (FYI- I despise this horrid person now)
Anger filled me! I didn't know what to say or what to do. I was disgusted at the fact that I had considered her and I to be just the same. I don't consider myself better than her but her morals and values are all screwed up!!
It all started to click in place. I always wondered why she would never really talk about her "love life." She did talk a lot about an ex boyfriend of hers but it was always very vague. I never pushed her for details because i figured she would if she wanted to. The advice she would give me about the guys i talked to her about were all invalid now. But what hurt me the most was realizing that the words that she gave me, the words that made me feel like she understood HOW I WAS FEELING towards the guy who i cant seem to let go of, were in reference to HER feelings for that old fart!
How could such feelings be compared. I am ALLOWED to have these feelings for someone and not feel guilty about it because he doesn't have a wife and kids yet... and when he does.. i will have to probably yank my heart out! but HOW DARE SHE!!!
GAHHH! Just thinking about it fills me with such fury that even i get surprised.
:needless to say, I have had a huge let down. this just goes to show ME that you never really know a person.
IT made me loose faith in friendship, men, and marriage... and people in general.
I am angry with her, yet i still talk to her and she knows i see her under a different light now, she hates it but there is nothing i can do to change that. I dont see her as i once did and i never will again. I can continue to be her friend but I dont know that the friendship will grow or that i can consider her a lifelong friend.
See people who live life not in accordance to how GOD wants us to live are just not people who i want to be around. There are people who dont think they are doing anything wrong. and there are people who dont believe in God. But SHE does, and SHE KNOWS shes doing wrong... and yet she's been doing it for God knows how long. am i being too hard on her? Am i just wrong in thinking the way i do??
and then people wonder why i dont have many friends...
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